Role & responsiblility
By Taru Bahl

THE basic difference between a person who is responsible and one who isn’t is that the former is not wishy washy about the mistakes he makes, the hurts he inflicts and the losses he incurs. He has no illusions about his exact contribution in all his winning and losing decisions. His euphoria and disappointment are always tinged with a practical realism. He rarely allows his sentiments and actions to get out of control. He knows he has a definite role to play in each of his relationships. He has a vision and a clear idea of what and how things must be. He works towards this end with a singleminded zeal, without resenting the extra effort he may have to put in to maintain harmony and happiness. What also sets him apart is the premium he places on duty, honour, integrity and work.

A responsible person appears more grounded, normal and in command than most of his hyper, stressed, floundering contemporaries. He may not flaunt his success, he may not even be as successful but it is his calm serenity and the fact this his life is comfortably steering in the direction he wants, which makes him different. Listed below are a few categories which reveal the mindset of the typical responsible person. There could be a few lessons for us in it.

The responsible boss understands his company’s philosophy and credo. He finds out its exact standing in the market and structures his work plan accordingly. When he recruits and positions people in different departments he has a clear idea of what he wants out of them and he communicates his expectations succinctly. He gives his team freedom, respect and cooperation. He is there to guide, protect and shield them. He can be tough but his authority and leadership are rarely questioned because he leads by example. He is courageous and unbiased. He allows people to grow and develop without allowing their success and glory to diminish his sense of self. People emulate him not because they have to but because they want to. He creates a sense of security and belonging in his team, motivating them to work collectively towards larger objectives. He takes the flak when things go wrong and is open to criticism.

The responsible employee respects his boss and is conscious of the confidence that has been reposed in him. He tries to match upto the company’s expectations without losing his own sense of identity. He puts service before self and feels passionately about the reputation of his employers. He treats deadlines as sacrosanct even if it means working way beyond the stipulated office hours or his specified job brief. He helps colleagues and shares information and skills to achieve common goals. He stays away from office politics. He keeps his antennae up and is quick to report any notes of discord. He does not need reminders to finish pending tasks. He has trained his insights and sense of judgement which help him prioritise his work schedule. He is not an unthinking lamb who will blindly do what his seniors tell him to do. He uses logic peppered with tact and discretion to meet end goals which are always with the intention of adding value to his work/boss/company.

The responsible parent gives his children roots and wings. Alongwith security, warmth values and love he gives them the confidence to branch out on their own. He is there for them but he does not suffocate them with his protection and mollycoddling. He is an empathetic listener who finds the time to be with them when they need him. He senses their needs, is sensitive to their moods and receptive to their ideas and plans. He is a bosom pal whom they can approach anytime but he is also a strict parent who sets limits and guidelines. At the same time, he is not rigid but is open to suggestions and criticism. By himself being responsible in his different roles, he instills in his children a strong sense of duty and accountability early in life.

The responsible child tries not to let down his parents. He is aware of the value-system ingrained in him and the expectations his parents have of him. He knows he is free to follow the diktat of his mind but is sensitive enough not to do anything which would shatter their confidence and pride in him. Even when there is a difference of opinion or a major crisis brewing in the background he knows how best to diffuse tensions. He does not shirk additional responsibility, relieving parents of their burden. As his parents get older he makes a conscious attempt to bond with them not just on material and physical terms but also on a psychological and emotional plane. As the role reversal takes place in adulthood, the grown up child sends positive signals and reinforcements to his parents that he is there for them, they can depend on him and, most importantly, that he is now capable of leading a responsible life himself.

The responsible lover/ spouse thinks of the repercussions of his actions. Monika Singh, a clinical psychologist, was counselling a student of plus two who had come to her on the referral of her gynaecologist after her third MTP. The psychologist knew that a moral preachy lesson on values and sexual behaviour would only alienate her from the young lady who obviously knew what she was doing and was also unrepentant. Instead, she adopted a differnt line of communication saying, "surely you can exhibit some sexual responsibility and use precautions rather than putting your body and mind under repeated stress." Once she had the girl’s attention she briefly told her about the damage that successive MTPs at such an early age could have on the female reproductive system and the high risk of AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases.

The question here was not of morality but of responsibility. Each one of us has a certain responsibility to our family, spouse, society and nation but at the same time we have a responsibility to our own selves, to our core values, to whatever it is that we stand up for, to our health and our future. The young lady in the above instance may say, "It’s my life, my body, my mental health. When I am not harming anybody, why should I alter my lifestyle, more so if I am happy and content with the way things are?" Now re-think the same argument objectively. Repeated surgical interventions could lead to permanent physical and psychological damage. Presuming she gets married and finds herself unable to bear children, would she still absolve herself of the responsibility of procreation? Also if there are any permanent emotional scars which make her say suspicious, skeptical or dismissive of men, would she be able to settle down to a normal wedded life?

Here what matters is not whether pre-marital sex is acceptable or not but whether the decision to have unprotected sex or multiple sexual partners is one which reveals some sexual responsibility. As we mature from child to youth to adulthood, from lover/ fiance to wedded spouse and parent we got through a series of dilemmas and conflicts when our sense of responsibility is what helps us to arrive at the right decisions. This could pertain to meeting a lover on the sly or in the open; breaking the news of the relationship to parents or facing the risk of them getting to know through a third source. This could also include choosing a partner; priorities after marriage; financial decisions and the manner in which one chooses to organise the home and manage one’s day to day affairs.

"That’s just the way I am!" is not an excuse for inconsiderate or vile behaviour. Nor is it an accurate description. According to Aristotle, ‘we are never just what we are, we become what we are by the decisions that we ourselves make."