Courtesy as a habit
By Taru Bahl

IS courtesy only about opening doors, wearing a conventional suit, saying ‘sorry’, ‘thank you’, ‘Sir’ and ‘Madam’? Isn’t it an offshoot of deep moral behaviour? The dictionary defines manners as "deportment, conduct and civility". Deportment in this context includes all those factors which go into the external projection of self in the way we carry ourselves, our body language, mannerisms and the complete physical aura. Our conduct is a result of our behaviour, attitude and value system which gets reflected in our choice of words, feelings and actions. Our level of civility and cordiality enables us to handle things graciously even when the chips are down and we are angry or perturbed with people and situations in our life. Courtesy then, is an amalgamation of politeness, gratitude, tact, discretion, consideration, compassion and, most importantly, a sensitivity which helps us to look at things from the other person’s point of view.

People usually do things better, giving more of themselves if asked ‘properly’. Even things like criticism and fault-finding are acceptable to them so long as the person isn’t bossy, rude, abrasive and insensitive. Leaders in school, office or home are invariably courteous. They are tough, determined and demanding but they treat their subordinates and juniors with a basic level of respect. A popular boss knows that appreciation must be expressed openly whereas severe criticism confined to the privacy of his cabin, unless he deliberately wants to prove a point to the others in the office. Courtesy is more than just consideration. It is genuine love for people, a sense of brotherhood, a feeling of empathy which makes a person ache and hurt just perceiving the extent of pain and trauma others may be going through.

Pushing people around, name-dropping and using power, status and money as a weapon can get one short-term benefits but in the long term they are of scant use. Physical force and foul language can occasionally help in breaking a queue to buy cinema tickets or in paying the electricity bill and giving oneself a pat on the back. One may also save time by refusing to drop an old aunt to the doctor’s clinic and pride oneself in the ability to say no, to not bow down under pressure and to hold one’s own. But when one continues to deploy the same ‘practical principle’ with friends, colleagues and the family it amounts to making more withdrawals than investments in one’s "emotional bank account".

Wise men have always maintained that a courteous person who may not be lucky enough to have a razor-sharp mind and intellect stands a better chance of moving further up in life than a person who may be competent and driven but discourteous. There is a Chinese proverb which shows how one can be inconsiderate and tactless enough to say the wrong things to the wrong people at the wrong times. "Although there exist many thousand subjects of elegant conversation there are people who cannot meet a cripple without talking about his feet." On the other hand, there is the dignified person who, on meeting a lame man, will neither stare unabashedly, nor curiously ask him how he acquired his limp. Instead, he will compliment him on his excellent crop of hair or his beautiful handwriting. Maybe at a later date when they share more comfortable vibes he can offer advice, help and support. He may even broach the subject of the handicap and express concern.

The good thing about practising courtesy is that while it costs nothing, it can bring rich dividends. No one is too big or too busy to be courteous. It enhances others’ self-worth and prods them to be good in return. Many brilliant and talented people have destroyed their own success because they were obnoxious, pigheaded, insolent, ungrateful and ill-mannered. Their pomposity clouded their judgement and they forgot that they had to treat others with respect, dignity and humility before they can be accorded the same regard.

Mother Teresa used to encourage people to pitch in, howsoever minuscule their contribution, because she felt that the ocean was made up of tiny drops of water where each drop had its distinct presence. She said: "We cannot do great things on this earth. We can only do small things with great love." Courteous people are naturally tolerant and non-judgmental. They do not jump to hasty conclusions, always ready to condemn all those who don’t share their point of view. They are gentle and caring even towards strangers, putting people immediately at ease. They actually have love in their hearts instead of the bitter, resentful baggage which discourteous people lug around all the time.

Acts of courtesy come very instinctively to them. They respect all elders and children. They are not necessarily ‘yes men’ or ‘sacrificial lambs’ or ‘suffering martyrs’. If there are differences of opinion they get their message across without trampling on others’ feelings. If they don’t want to do something they say so in no uncertain terms. But somehow they don’t put people on the offensive. Their simple gestures too reflect good grooming and courtesy. They open doors and hold elevators for others. They wear a warm and sunny smile. They return their shopping carts, pick up litter which they may not have thrown, offer to run odd errands for people even if it means going slightly out of the way. They are considerate drivers with a good road sense. The best thing is that they are happy, well-adjusted and radiate warmth wherever they go.

According to American psychiatrists, "At a simplistic level the reason for at least 80 per cent of our patients’ complex problems is that manners were never taught to them in childhood. As a result, in their adulthood they continue to make mistakes which get them rejected. They are unable to play the game of life because they don’t know the rules. Parents teach their children self-discipline when they teach them manners. The person who is unable to express his gratitude or say a simple ‘thank you’ is in essence bereft of one of the most important qualities, that of gratitude. The term ‘thank you’ is the foundation stone upon which gratitude is built. It is a marvellous way of winning friends and influencing people."

People in the service industry are repeatedly told to be courteous. It is a skill they have to cultivate and hone for their entire professional lives. The classic case of a hotelier’s courtesy is reflected in one of the Chicken Soup series. A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a small midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and well-behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room at night?" An immediate reply came from the hotel owner saying, "I have been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes or silverware or pictures off the walls. I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you’re welcome to stay here, too." Needless to say the prospective guest was sold on the hotel’s hospitality and courtesy even before he patronised it. Incidentally, the resultant good will, a loyal future client and the positive publicity that the hotel earned, cost nothing more than a simple letter and the time it took the owner to draft it. Here one talked of the service sector where client servicing is directly linked to the bottomline. But even those who are not direct beneficiaries must practice courtesy and see the difference it makes to their lives.