Step into my
parlour, all ye lads and lasses
By Jagdish
Rawatani
NAMASKAAR, how are you?
This information will fill you with joy. Friends, the
good news is that Ive decided to become a producer.
Ill make television serials and tele-films. Anyone
amongst you who stands before a mirror and spends hours
combing his hair, dreams of Madhuri Dixit and Manisha
Koirala, has the desire to see or show his face on
television, can contact me and, in order to experience
the feeling of sheer happiness, can pass off his face in
my serial or tele-film. Soothsayers have suggested Kameez
tumhaari button hamaare as the title for my maiden
mega-104-episode serial. Wise people like you will notice
that our serial is different from other serials.
Here I would like to
clarify that my intention is not to make money. Had I
wanted to make money, I would have stepped into the
political morass, served the country with my body and
soul. It is the desire to do something creative with
money that has compelled me to take this step. Anyway,
you may at once send your three recent coloured
photographs along with your name. At once means at once,
because I want to start shooting my serial at once. Yes.
Youll have to enclose a bank draft for Rs 250. This
sum is being taken to ensure that only the really
interested refugees sorry...sorry
applicants contact.
As Ive already
said, I dont have the slightest desire for money. I
may also tell you that my serial is to be on such a grand
scale that Ill need many artistes. In other words,
dray-horses and thoroughbreds alike will be able to get
work in it. I was joking. You must have noticed that I
have a great sense of humour.
I would earnestly like
to tell young people whom God has given crooked noses and
mouths not to be disheartened. Since my serial will
remain continuously on air for two years, gradually
people will begin to like your visage. It happens so. I
would like to assure you that even the lords of ugliness
will be able to make crores. There is no need even to
bring a letter of recommendation from the Prime Minister.
Yes, but do arrange for some money. Probably some
shortfall may occur. How much youll have to arrange
for will be told to you on meeting after assessing your
worth and your financial condition so that you are in no
way burdened beyond your means.
You must be aware that
in films new artistes are asked to contribute up to Rs 20
lakh. Even so, those bent on becoming heroes dont
hesitate. You know the one who himself financed his first
film. One has to do something when not endowed with good
looks. Otherwise there is no dearth of money. But
Im scared of the people from the Income Tax
Department. I dont have the entire amount in
white. Anyone bitten by the dengue mosquito
can survive, but there is no hope for the one caught by
the income tax people. Youve understood me, no?
Writers also
neednt despair. I have to do so much work in future
that even ten to twenty writers would not be enough. Now
there will be no need for writers to grow beards and walk
on the roads with bags slung from the shoulders. The
difference between a beggar and a writer will be
apparent. Writers who already have good subjects written
with them should have them sent to me immediately.
Ill submit proposals for different channels, and my
recommendation is such that rest assured acceptance is as
good as obtained. Youll find yourself turned into
the well-known team of Salim-Javed.
As soon as the proposal
is passed, your fee will be in your hands. Of course I
can pay you in advance, but the constraint is that all
great producers hold back payment till the last (most
just forget to pay) moment. These great producers are of
the opinion that making an earnest living causes peptic
ulcers. Inhabiting the ocean, one cannot risk daring the
sharks. You understand what I mean?
Yes, so I was saying
that my first mega-serial Kameez tumhaari-button
hamaare will soon be shown on television. If at all
there is delay of any kind the reason will solely be
because, after leaders like Glad Ram became Sad Ram, all
officials get the C.B.I. hiccups before they accept money
under the table. They get indigestion. But they feel
ashamed in giving the green signal to a serial without
having indulged in monkey-business. With the result that
they want to thoroughly convince themselves that Im
not one from the C.B.I. The truth is that rates for
getting work done have gone up. Therefore, writers too
may possibly be asked to help with money. No...no you
neednt worry, only in an emergency. I can assure
you this much that my company will be bigger than
A.B.C.L. By the way, Amitabh Bachchan has agreed to do a
special role in my serial.
About girls, I only want
to say that theyll be absolutely safe in my
production. They neednt look up to anybody else
except me in my unit. It would be better if the girls
were beautiful, but this is not essential. In order to
add glamour to the serial, beauty queens will be selected
immediately for the main roles. Im certain that for
the main role the beauties will always have a
constructive attitude towards songs like Choli ke
peeche kya hai or scenes like Ram Teri Ganga
Maili. Otherwise, there are many characters like
those of sister and sister-in-law where they will be
used. No problem!
Girls will not even be
compelled to arrange for money. Rather the fee payable to
them would be more than that for boys. Actually by
nature, Ive had a soft corner for girls. Moreover,
youll get to know about my large heart when you
meet me. Like Raj Kapoor, Im also an admirer of
beauty, and forge a spiritual bond with every girl that I
work with. Bol Radha bol sangam hoga ke nahin? Sweet
dreams.
In the end I must
clarify another thing. We have decided on Kameez
tumhaari button hamaare as the title for the serial
solely on the advice of soothsayers. Therefore, you
shouldnt conclude at all that it is the shirt on
your back that will be sold in the making of the serial
and that I in other words the producer will
contribute just the buttons. A separate search is on for
good financiers. You just realise the importance of the
serial. Tomorrow you may become a film star. Rrrr...ray.
A ray of hope is visible only in my serial.
Note: Later, when
there will be a need for technicians, efforts will be
made to loot sorry...sorry locate them
through an advertisement.
This
feature was published on November 21, 1999
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