A man’s world no more
By Mohinder Singh

The world is becoming feminised. Women are the ones defining what the rules are in terms of love, sex, and everything else. I’m not even sure what it means to be a man anymore. — Man, 47

HAS the "new man" arrived? The idea is that, basically in response to the women’s movement, men have changed. They have become more what women want — more sensitive, more understanding, more intimate, more involved in child-care and housework.

Surely many men, by themselves or in groups, are starting to question the values they were brought up with. They are asking what it means to be a man and, more precisely, what kind of a man they want to be.

Yet it would be closer to the mark to say not that a new man has arrived but rather that men today are struggling with a situation far more complicated and confusing than it was for their fathers and grandfathers. Men are subject to new pressures and messages, many of which conflict with traditional rules.

Yes, a man should still be strong, but this should be balanced by sensitivity. Too much show of strength would earn him the tile of macho, now used as often in a derogatory sense as in an admiring one. And a man has to be careful about the sensitivity, as well. Too much can label him a weakling.

Yes, a man should be successful at work, but somehow also find time to relate to his partner and participate a lot in housework. Exactly where the time and energy will come from to carry out all these tasks is never explained.

Yes, a man should still be a forceful lover; women don’t want a wimp. But in addition he should be tender and considerate, willing to do what is needed for her satisfaction.

Yes, a man should still take the initiative, even persevere if he encounters some feigned resistance. But he should be awfully alert to a genuine rebuff, and he needs be careful lest a invitation he makes is construed as sexual harassment.

Today’s man is caught in a peculiar position because the very definition of familial love has changed. In the past, what husbands did — working to support the family, not chasing other women, helping at home in a few selected tasks commonly reserved for men — was accepted as showing their love. Now men are expected to show love the way women do, by sharing feelings and talking in a personal way. Men are often criticised for what they don’t do while receiving scant recognition for the age-old pattern of showing love.

Even the definition of sex is on its way to becoming feminised. Marital sex is no longer some impulsive, quick sex; it should be of long duration, with lots of foreplay and afterplay. Gentle sex is in.

In the past, jokes were at the expense of women. Women were rated dumb, poor in doing accounts, timid in driving, and squeamish about sex. Jokes these days are mostly at the expense of men.

This is not to say that men suffer more or have it rougher than women. Both sexes suffer in their own ways in today’s world. What’s being made out that the modern man also deserves understanding and sympathy. Unfortunately, men don’t get much understanding because they have a hard time making a case for themselves, for expressing what’s going on within them. Which is exactly what we’d expect from people brought up as typical boys.

"Don’t be like a girl", is the important socialisation message boys receive from early years. It is deemed much worse for a boy to be sissy than for a girl to be a tomboy. Since women of all ages are the softer ones — people who express feelings, who cry, who are more relating — boys do their best to do the reverse; they suppress their softer side. Indeed they learn to believe ‘femaleness’ is strange and inferior. One result is the development of a habit of not taking women seriously. This inability to take women seriously can cause much friction in adult life, especially in marital life.

It is assumed that girls will grow up to be women simply by getting older. But boys need something special to become men. Manhood is conditional. "No man was born man; you earned your manhood provided you were good enough, bold enough," says Norman Mailer.

For boys, combativeness rules their life, whether it’s sports, fights, studies. As if everywhere their masculinity is at stake. Because of the emphasis on strength and self-reliance, men have trouble admitting to unresolved personal problems. If he acknowledges his confusion or fear and asks for help, it’s taken as something wrong with him; he’s not as tough as he ought to be. You have this ridiculous situation of men driving endlessly around in their cars instead of stopping and asking for directions.

No wonder many men do not acknowledge their worries to their mates. They are slow to admit to illness and other physical problems, and even slower to admit to emotional distress. Quite a few choose to drown their feelings in alcohol.

While men often give the impression of being in control of their lives that’s the impression men are supposed to convey, and women tend to believe this impression and envy it — actually many men feel the opposite. They often feel powerless to affect the course of their work, or their relationships.

The "new man", it seems, is taking his own time to arrive.