Conquering with kindness
By Taru Bahl

OFFERING a bus seat to a lady cradling a wailing infant, assisting an old man with failure sight to cross the road, sensitively listening to a colleague who is going through a traumatic divorce, holding back the impulse of retaliating with a hard-hitting slap or an abusive verbal assault when someone misbehaves at a party are stray acts of kindness, which a few years ago one took so much for granted. A person who did not display such sensitivity in dealing with people and situation was shunned by family and friends as being an unworthy specimen of humanity.

Today, unfortunately no one has the time to indulge in little acts of kindness, leave alone actually incorporate it in one’s mental make-up. Those of us who are accused of being unkind or mean are quick to justify ourselves by saying that we don’t fit into the "kind" mould. We strongly feel that our circumstances and personal attributes are not in accordance with whatever it is that takes an individual to be compassionate. We believe in the tit-for-tat philosophy. If someone has been nice to us, we shall try to be nice to him and if someone has been nasty, we will get even by giving it back nicely’n’ squarely. If this attitude appalls people around us, too bad, but we aren’t going to don the goody-two-shoes act, just to be awarded with a kindness certificate.

With society becoming progressively indifferent and materialistic, there seem to be no benefits that accrue from being kind. Kindness seems to be somewhat of an effort requiring tolerance compassion and benevolence. It is perceived as an initiative which calls for no-gains with tremendous pains. Even when we do choose to be kind it is usually accompanied by such a show of goodness that the very act becomes a burden or an embarrassment for the recipient.

The essence of kindness can be summed up in one sentence — "putting others before self". This is exactly what our present generation abhors. They are missing the wood for the trees. What they fail to realise is that random acts of kindness can lead to a kind disposition, filling life with enormous meaning. The world then appears more beautiful as life springs up unadulterated moments of joy and happiness. Complimenting a friend, calling up and offering help to a relative you know is distressed, sharing a sweet or a warm smile with a street urchin and speaking respectfully with servants, drivers, dhobis and doodhwallas takes no extra time. One does not dole out extra cash to ‘cultivate’ a popular image.

All it requires is a mindset, which thinks from the others’ point of view. When we pay the bargained amount to a rickshaw-puller in the scorching heat we think our duty is over. It does not occur to us that we could offer him a glass of cold water. Of course this is an extra, something we are not obliged to do, which is not part of the "contractual agreement" but by doing so we are exhibiting the kind streak in us which may have become dormant because of disuse. The person across may or may not notice or appreciate it, worse still he may continue to be unhelpful and unkind. Yet our kind friends are undeterred because, by now, kindness has become second to their temperament.

One does not have to be in a privileged position to be kind. The fable about the powerful king of the jungle and the humble teeny-weeny mouse amply demonstrates that. A mouse is playfully jumping on the ample body of the sleeping lion. When the mighty lion awakens, the mouse is petrified and implores him to grant him life. He also adds that he would, one day, repay his kindness. When the lion does let him go, he does not display kindness out of a sense of expectation. He laughs off the mouse’s suggestion, knowing that an insignificant creature like the latter could be of scarce help to him. His decision to help is a spontaneous decision which stemmed from an element of kindness which did exist in him, contrary to the perception shared by other jungle brethren. It is another matter that the mouse actually saves the lion from the clutches of the hunters by gnawing away at the net which had trapped the lion, thus setting him free and repaying his debt.

It is not as if we consciously set out to be unkind, rude, insolent and apathetic. Everything right from our lifestyle, stress inducing daily conflicts, chaotic finances and dwindling family bonds have somehow contributed towards making us into little vicious demons. If there is an accident victim bleeding to death on the roadside, most of us would steer our vehicle out of orbit, maybe feel a twinge of guilt but then move on as if nothing had happened. We may absolve ourselves of guilt by enumerating instances where ‘kindhearted’ friends rushed a similar victim to the hospital only to be embroiled in long drawnout police cases.

When relatives troop in unannounced, we make no bones of the fact that they are impinging on our privacy. We may endure their stay but at the same time without going out of the way to make them feel comfortable and welcome. Again we have our reasons — demanding jobs, unreliable servants, inflation and paucity of time make the most hospitable of us anti-social. When we espy a stranger wearing a forlorn lonesome expression at a party we continue to revel in our boisterous merry-making without making the effort to include him or putting him at ease. Maybe it is because he is strikingly handsome and therefore fuels our own sense of inadequacy or because it is some sort of sweet revenge since we have been saddled in similar situations and have found no one coming to our rescue.

For reasons best known to us, we are putting our more humane side on the backburner as we aggressively move towards success, and fame. Little do we realise that small acts of kindness and a generally benign temperament is what will ultimately steer us towards happiness, and tranquillity. Above all, it will contribute towards making this world a better place to live in. It is not the mad pursuit of material acquisitions or being part of the Who’s Who or leading a ‘full’ and ‘happening’ life that will earn us respect. These are crucial components yes, but they still are secondary when it comes to determining exactly how satisfied and happy we are at the end of the day.

Serious stocktaking of the intimate relationships we share and the faith and confidence people repose in us at the workplace and the number of touching incidents imprinted in our memory-bank reveals a direct linkage between kindness, compassion, personal happiness and sense of achievement.

In the USA there are community-based kindness campaigns which are violence prevention initiatives at the grassroot-level which use kindness as their base. They have exchange meetings where people meet and share experiences. There are times when millionaires come and talk of the significant events in their lives and how often they boil down to a stray kind gesture from an unexpected source. Genuine acts of kindness warm the heart, give life meaning and instil hope in the most depressed souls. Kind people involuntarily bring out the best in people and situations. Leading a life sans kindness can be painful. Without realising it we become intolerant, ineffective and easily provoked.

Road rage is a common phenomenon on American highways where people give vent to their frustration and anger by exhibiting rude behaviour to fellow passengers and in worse cases by causing damage to drivers and vehicles. A little kindness and consideration shown to fellow drivers or a friendly gesture or smile shared at a traffic crossing has been seen to have a miraculous effect on reviving the sagging, tired spirits of a stranger one may never meet again besides reducing the number of accidents.

Marital discord, teenage violence, crude body language, verbal abuse, non-cooperation of team mates and a hostile environment can all be altered if we bring kindness into sharp focus as we forge ties, undertake tasks and execute duties.