Forgive them to cleanse yourself
By Taru Bahl

"I AM sorry", "forgive me for having wronged you" are magical words which have the power to soothe angered minds and sulking souls. Yet, many of us prefer dying a thousand deaths rather than muster the humility and compassion to offer a genuine heartfelt apology. On the flip side are those perpetually embittered creatures who continue to preciously nurse their grievance, thriving on their ‘wronged’ status, even while the ‘wrong-doer’ has accepted blame and offered an unconditional apology.

They insist on passionately holding onto their grudges, making the other person feel responsible and guilty for their unhappiness and failure. Why is it so difficult to forget and forgive?

Beautiful relationships plummet into nothingness when people fail to realise the gravity of their mistake. They take the other person for granted, unfeelingly inflicting one emotional wound after another. It could also have something to do with king-sized egos which expect servility. Either way, it is because people are touchy, self-oriented and unforgiving. They do not realise that formidable fences too can be mended by simple, straightforward apologies which target that deed, action or spoken word which has caused anguish to the aggrieved party. Whether or not the anger or resentment is misplaced, one lacks the motivation to confront and thrash it out.

Misunderstandings and misgivings freeze and with time people end up distancing themselves from each other. It is alright if the relationship was superficial to start with but what about lifelong bonds like those between a father and son, a young girl and her fiance’ or a mentor and his disciple?

Is it then worthwhile to allow something which could have been a source of tremendous strength and happiness to whither away, just because false pride withheld us from making an apology or from forgiving and moving on with life.

There are rigid fathers who never forgive their sons for marrying outside the community, impressionable girls who "dump" their two-timing boy friends without verifying facts and insecure colleagues who laboriously work towards destruction, so convinced are they that the other is gunning for them. In the process, they not only kill the relationship but also suffer pain and angst. It is not as if they are happy with their decisions. The father may never be able to forget his son, the girl may regret losing a valuable life partner and the executive may feel sorry for the energy and time he expended on things which were counter productive.

The sad thing is that even after realising their loss, they make little or no effort at patching up. They cannot pick up the phone, fix up an appointment and unburden their negative feelings. They cannot say, "Look, I am sorry. Let’s forget the past and move ahead, if it’s still okay with you". The good thing about an apology is that it is never too late to tender it.

Even if the father has been "angry" for over a decade and the boy has got married to someone else, by forgiving and exorcising the demons of the past, one can hope to revive the lost charm of relationships which have become defunct. The beauty is that when one apologises with love and genuine feeling one also realises that hatred, revulsion, and bitterness are never permanent. Just as one wants to restore a broken relationship, there are good chances that the other person too is keen on it.

Hence,why wait for the other person to make the first move? Isn’t that immaterial? If one can put that expectation aside and set about repairing the relationship without making oneself into some kind of a saint or martyr who must be thanked for the good deed, there is no reason why the heart, howsoever hard and unrelenting, does not melt.

Sure, it isn’t easy to blot out hurtful memories and faces of those who have deliberately inflicted harm on us but by allowing wrath and malice to corrode our insides like acid, we are allowing it to spill over to other areas of our lives. Worry, anxiety and stress can make the best of us sick in body and mind. Christ embodied the spirit of the truly forgiving soul. Even when he was crucified the only words which escaped his lips were, "Lord, forgive them for they know not what they do". To quote from the Bible, "Our Lord told us to forgive our enemies, not once, not seven times, but seventy times seven". Jesus knew how difficult it was to forgive a slight yet he insisted that before bringing a gift to God’s altar to seek blessings, one must first seek reconciliation with the person who has wronged us or has been wronged by us.

Anger, resentment and hatred set up barriers which deprive a person of spiritual power. Chronic malevolence, smouldering anger and long-lasting grudges make us terminally ill. Forgiveness is not a just a goody, goody praiseworthy virtue. In the Indian context, Shama is a noble trait associated with love, justice and fellowship.

Today, when business, personal and family relationships are failing to provide succour, comfort and strength, it is time to take stock and see if it has anything to do with our mental make-up. Have we, over the years, allowed grudges to break and maim relationships instead of accumulating a wealth of treasured memories and long lasting bonds? Forgiveness is not to be caricatured as being weak and spineless. It needs emotional and spiritual strength to beg forgiveness. If one loves somebody, ego, pride, identity and status are the last things which should hold one back from making an apology or from letting bygones be bygones.

When a wife apologises for something she isn’t responsible for, many would label her as an old fashioned doormat. But when one sees that she has nipped an explosive situation in the bud, one wonders if her "apology" had more to do with wisdom and concern for the spouse/family.

Individuals and nations have to seriously analyse the baggage of their past. Israel has never allowed its young generation to forget the horrors of the Holocaust. All boys and girls have to enroll into the army. They value, cherish and guard their freedom with an unmatched intensity. Their survival instinct, ability to negotiate deals and guard their frontiers from hostile neighbours is because they have used their past to advantage. Although they have only partially forgiven and certainly not forgotten, they have not allowed this to weaken or debilitate them.

Japan, on the other hand, chose to put aside Hiroshima and Nagasaki as they traded with the world’s biggest market — the USA -- to emerge as one of the most affluent economies. They could have banned the USA and allowed future generations to thrive on feelings of hate but they saw sense in moving ahead and in acknowledging the power equations of the modern world.

Even if we find it difficult to forget, we must learn to forgive and let go. Cleanse oneself of all malodorous memories. Why wait for tomorrow when the closed doors of the mind can be opened today? By forgiving, we are showing signs of emotional maturity. The ensuing wisdom, large heartedness and the vision will empower us to take on life’s challenges with more grace and perseverance.

It requires the positive temperament of a winner to take that step forward and apologise/forgive. There is no compulsion on resuming ties. If the wounds are too deep or if one is convinced that the other person is not worthy of our love and friendship, the twain needn’t meet. But surely one can let the other person know that he has been forgiven and that one nurses no grudge against him. This supreme gesture not only makes the other person introspect but also adds a unique dimension to our own persona. It erases hateful feelings and fills the heart with love.