Netpicking

What’s in a name?

An intruder entered the house of a married couple while they were sleeping. The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said: "I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?"

"My name is Elizabeth," the woman replied.

The intruder said: "You remind me of my mother who was also named Elizabeth, so I can’t kill you."

The intruder then turned to the husband and asked: "What is your name?"

"My name’s Phillip, but my friends call me Elizabeth."

Justice indeed

The man was arrested and charged with murder. He bribed a member of jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter, thus avoiding the death penalty. The jury deliberated a long time and then pronounced the man guilty of manslaughter. He was very relieved and thanked the jury member he bribed.

"Thank you very much. It seems you had a tough time"

"Oh, yes. I had to fight tooth and nail-they all wanted to acquit you!"

What was that?

"Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life, " said actress Brooke Shields to demonstrate why she should become spokesperson for a federal antismoking campaign.

‘Does your dog bite?’

A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet.

"Does your dog bite?" he asked.

"No," was the reply.

A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of his leg.

"I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite!" the victim said indignantly.

"That’s not my dog," said the man.

Surgical preferences

Five surgeons are overheard discussing who makes the best surgical patient.

The first surgeon says: "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered".

The second responds: "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."

The third surgeon says: "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You are all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no gut, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

The other side

Drunk to pedestrian: "Hic, wh-which is the other side of the street?"

Pedestrian: "There"

Drunk: "Very...strange. When I was that side, a chap told me it was this side."

Getting technical

This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access denied" message every time he logs in. It turns out he was typing his username and password in capital letters.

Tech Support: "Ok, let’s try once more, but use lower case letters."

Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."

My computer

My computer’s sick. I think my modem is a carrier.

(These jokes have been culled from various sites on the Internet by Roopinder Singh.)