The Tribune, Chandigarh, India

How to be an effective father

Ken. R. Canfield, author of The Seven Secrets of Effective Fathers, surveyed 4,000 men to determine what contributes to effective fathering. As a result of his studies, he discovered that good fathers knew the following specifics about their children:

When his child had a difficult day;
When his child was upset about something;
The names of his child’s best friends;
What encouraged his child the most;
When he had hurt his child’s feelings;
His child’s strengths and weaknesses;
What motivated his child;
When his child was embarrassed; and
Most of his child’s recent disappointing experiences Effective fathers aggressively pursue knowledge about their children for two important reasons, notes Canfield. “First so that they can help create the conditions under which this unique personality (their child) can best blossom and prosper; and second, so that by recognising danger signals, they can alert themselves to situations where their children need guidance and intervention.”

MEN are, increasingly, recognising their vital role in the family and are responding positively to the challenge of parenting. More and more men are acting on a deep hunger to create meaningful relationships with their children. "One father is worth more than a hundred schoolmasters," said British poet George Herbert.

Understand the importance of the father’s role. Although much past psychological research was devoted to mother’s impact on child-rearing, new research reveals that a positive and active involvement by the father results in children who are better adjusted socially, who experience healthier sexual development, and undergo greater intellectual growth.

"Everything we know shows the when men are involved with their children, the children’s IQ increases by the time they are six or seven," says paediatrician Dr T. Berry Brazelton. He points out that with the father’s involvement "the child is also more likely to have a sense of humour, to develop a sort of inner excitement, to believe in himself or herself, to be more motivated to learn."

Commit to being a major player. Cultivating the fine art of good fathering means making the commitment to be deeply and passionately involved in the lives of your children. That means many things, including playing games, spending time with each child, helping with homework, attending parent-teacher conferences and generally increasing hours spent at home.

Too many children have unhappy memories of little contact or conversation with their fathers.

Don’t let materialism erode relationships. Although working hard in order to provide for family is important, every father should avoid the seduction of material success that can interfere and prevent strong bonds from being forged with children.

Wise fathers know that relationships, not material things, bring satisfaction in life. One successful father challenges other fathers to ask: "In the final analysis, what’s more important, having a large, 3,000 square-foot house with a pool in the yard or making sure that the people who lie in the house are close to each other? Which is more important: having a state-of-the-art kitchen in the house or making certain the family sits together at dinner time and reconnects at the end of the day?"

Know your children. A key difference that separates effective fathers from all other fathers is that they really know their children.

Effective fathers know what hurts and haunts their children as well as what brings them joy and pleasure. These fathers know what makes their children different from every other child in the neighbourhood. They are aware of the various shades, colours, and hues of their children’s personalities.

Parents by the three L’s. Good fathers look, listen and learn. They are always on the lookout for healthy role models. They listen to other successful parents, seeking to learn from them better and more effective ways to father their own children. "Effective fathers know they need support and aren’t afraid to ask for it," says Paul Lewis, author of The Five Key Habits of Smart Dads. "They talk to other fathers and perhaps choose one as a model or mentor. They consult with their children’s teachers, coaches, neighbours and relatives. They read books about fathering and attend workshops. Effective fathers put fathering high on their agendas and use all the resources available to them."

Incorporate children into your daily work. Another way of better relating to children is to incorporate them into your daily work. Most children view the ‘office’, the ‘plant’ or the ‘shop’ as distant, alien places.

Their perceptions may be distorted by expressions such as: "It’s a jungle out there," "My boss is a terrible slavedriver," "The traffic was horrendous," "What a rat race." Such comments, coupled with a grim look, may leave children unaware that a father may also have good feelings about work, that he is happy to have a position or profession that allows him to provide for the family.

Incorporating children into your work world will help them view it as less threatening, more comfortable and create better understanding about where you spend so many hours. Including children in your work activities can also reduce parental guilt about career demands. Some ways to incorporate children into daily work include:

Taking photographs of work life. Take a picture of your desk, a colleague you mention often, a picture of the assembly line or construction site.

Bringing aspects of work home. A designer or an engineer can bring home blueprints and explain them. A doctor can let a child listen to a heartbeat through his stethoscope. A salesman can show his products.

Giving children items discarded at the workplace. This is especially helpful when a job is less concrete and more difficult for children to understand.

Be your child’s hero. Good fathers emerge as their child’s hero. That happens when fathers consistently role model the virtues of integrity, compassion, sacrifice, hard work, discipline, love, and faithfulness in the discharge of duties.

In the final analysis, good fathering is an investment in the future. Today’s fathers are raising the leaders of the twenty-first century. All of the affection, teaching, encouragement discipline, and role modelling a father gives to his children will bear fruit in the form of adults who are emotionally healthy, well adjusted and contribute to the common good.