OF ROSES AND THORNS
Gender bias: This LoC remains the same
Vimla Patil
IN recent months, I travelled between Varanasi and Allahabad and stopped at a new centre of pilgrimage: the Sita Samahit Sthala. Here, in the serene wilderness around the river Ganga, stands a consecrated idol of Sita, marking the spot where she is reported to have returned to her mother, the earth. 

A MATTER OF ATTITUDE
The ways you can help
Teena Singh
MY friend Leena through school and college is and has been an extremely intelligent, soft-spoken and sophisticated girl who grew up to be a woman of style with a sense of humour. After English honours she finished a course in German Language from Maxmuller, New Delhi. Trusting a dear family friend’s judgement, her marriage was fixed to a young building contractor. The styl

FROM THE GRASSROOTS
‘Kishori Panchayats’: Early initiatives in self-help
Vichitra Sharma
Bochahan, Muzaffarpur (Bihar):"Poore desh mei ek hi charcha, gaon ka paisa gaon mei kharcha." And "sau kursi mei teintees kursi, mahila karegi uski poorti," (all over the country everyone is saying that money meant for the village should be spent in the village) and (out of 100 seats, 33 seats have to be won by the women). T

• What Holds Back Indian Women?

OF ROSES AND THORNS
Gender bias: This LoC remains the same
Vimla Patil

IN recent months, I travelled between Varanasi and Allahabad and stopped at a new centre of pilgrimage: the Sita Samahit Sthala. Here, in the serene wilderness around the river Ganga, stands a consecrated idol of Sita, marking the spot where she is reported to have returned to her mother, the earth. Visited by many, the temple sanctifies the life of a mythical ideal woman whose life was an endless trauma because of the invisible lines of control drawn by various men in her life. Even in this age of electronic media and women’s liberation, a large number of Indians continue to believe that Sita suffered all tragedies in her life because she crossed the Lakshmanrekha or the line of control drawn by her brother-in-law. None, it seems, is inclined to blame Ravan for lusting after another’s wife or kidnapping her for his pleasure.

This concept of women getting their just desserts for crossing the Lakshmanrekha is by no means ancient and limited to the Ramayana. In insidious ways, it continues to affect the lives of millions of Indian women even today. I have been meeting a large number of colleagues - which loosely means working women who are in reasonably senior positions - during workshops and business or social meetings. And every time the conversation runs into a discussion of the situation they face each day. Having received more education than most Indian women and having enjoyed more freedom and independence than ever before, urban, educated and affluent women voice the same sentiments of frustration and helplessness even today. They complain of the emotional torture they are subjected to; of the verbal - or in the worst cases even physical - violence which they have to tolerate because of social taboos and personal limitations; of the reluctance or resentment with which their independence or earning power is accepted; of the envy and jealousy they face in their family or social life; of the rejection they face whenever they exercise their right to hold on to their opinions or principles and the constant feeling of being treated with a subtle contempt and ungratefulness by the very same people who have benefited from their economic largesse or social networking. Even the most affluent and powerful career-women fear the sword of Damocles hanging over their heads. This fear is of being lonely, being abandoned by their loved ones and by those who have gained from their support and nurturing in earlier years.

According to the women in this group, the major reasons for the dichotomy women face today are several. Firstly, the conditions in which educated women marry have changed vastly in the eighties and nineties. Most women are anxious to get married because romance plays a large part in human life, especially in youth. If a young, highly qualified woman engineer or doctor feels that she is unattractive or less attractive to men because of her practical, down-to-earth attitude to life, she suffers from a strange kind of complex. The media and society in general see her as ‘inferior’ or ‘girl next door’ compared to the sexy images of women flashed on TV, in films and in the celebrity tabloids or magazines. All these hip media zones also project romance and raw, animal attraction between the sexes as the primeval purpose of life. Average-looking, highly educated, able women do not seem to be a part of this giddy scenario where women gyrate in minis in front of drooling men. Women are under tremendous pressure to conform to the icons set by the media and this pressure certainly takes its toll.

Secondly, cross-barrier marriages bring another kind of problem. Today, many marriages of highly educated, career-devoted women happen across caste, community, regional and religious barriers and are described as ‘one-to-one’ marriages. As Simran Kaur, the marketing director of a media group says, "Women like me are neither here nor there. Our culture tells us that though we are modern, progressive and as educated and able as our menfolk, we have two distinct lives - one in the care of our parents before marriage, and the other in our matrimonial family. After marriage, we have our rights only in our matrimonial families.

"Our parents, though they love us equally as their sons, constantly suggest that some day, all daughters have to go to their sasurals and then the husband’s family and home become their permanent environment. We change our names, and through custom, we leave behind the home of our birth and waive all our rights there. When the new family does not welcome or accept us because of barriers, we are cheated of our rights." This is because the family structure is the only welfare network available in India. Our country is neither a welfare society nor is there an effective network of social agencies to help women or children in distress of any kind. So if marriage isolates a woman and makes her a member of the smallest nuclear family with husband and children, she has to face a great deal of stress and hardship. There is no place or person which will give her justice or even a sympathetic hearing.

Archana Roy, a busy and successful designer, explains this with her own experience. "When I married the only son of a Parsi family, I moved in with my husband Keki and his widower father. But after 20 years in this house and two children, my father-in-law does not allow me to touch any item of furniture or change anything in the house. He argues time and again that it is "his house". Where then is my home? Who am I in my new family?" Other women speak about envy, rejection, subtle discrimination or hurtful contempt because of differences in culture, religion, language, customs or even money and class. They say that career success also deprives a woman of the support of her family because she is increasingly seen as the ‘giver’ or ‘purveyor of favours’ rather than the ‘receiver’ of nurturing and the comforts of life. Women continue to be perceived as the peace-makers of society, as the sacrificers in difficult situations and forgivers of all offences and injustices committed against them. Even well-wishers and close friends advise women who go through difficult marriages with patience and tolerance and to ‘bear with offences’ rather than rebel against injustice. Some even go to the extent of suggesting that husbands are ‘like children’ and have to be treated as such. Women are constantly persuaded to be ‘mother’ and forgive or surrender to the family’s or husband’s demands, putting their priorities on hold if they are to live in peace within the family. Having no ‘infrastructure’ or ‘trapeze net’ to support them, their struggle to achieve their goals in careers and family life cause an inhuman burden for women. Often, their personal and business relationships crack up under this pressure.

Thirdly, as Latika Vora, a senior finance expert says, "Most Indian women are brought up even today to look for sex within the parameters of marriage. Any divergence from this so-called Lakshmanrekha and ‘maryada’ brings her lifelong guilt, alienation from family if found out and even certain divorce in extreme cases. Yet, men, in similar situations, get away with any number of affairs throughout their lives and are actually applauded for their mardangi’when they drool over other women. Many a highly-placed career woman faces total frustration when a husband loses his attraction for marital sex or becomes a poor lover because of drinking, smoking, womanising or a reckless lifestyle of constant overwork. She has nowhere to go and no one to talk to. Of course, younger women today do get into extra marital relationships but this does not solve any problems and does not make for a peaceful family life."

Fourthly, as Mita Singh, a prominent lawyer adds, "When a woman becomes financially well-to-do and independent in her judgement and views on life, somehow the romance in her marriage flies out of the window. I think men find it hard to romance a woman who is seen as a hard-as-nails, clever businesswoman, doctor or lawyer. The icon of a taut-bodied, sexy, ghunghat-covered bride or a mangalsutra and sindoor -bedecked wife is so deeply etched on the Indian psyche that it is difficult to imagine a romantic life without its help. The visual media, whether TV or films, pushes these icons of beautiful suhagans relentlessly at all Indian women, pitching them against an impossible ideal of sensuality and embellishment to please men, combined with a facade of helplessness."

Yet another career-woman, stock market broker Rita Mehta says that the cheque book is increasingly pushed under the nose of a career woman, asking her to pay for major expenses in the family to save ‘family’ money. If she has ‘influence’ or ‘contacts’, she is expected to use these for pushing family members into jobs, prime colleges, courses and other privileges. What is more, all this is considered to be her ‘duty’ and she has no right to claim any credit for her contribution to the family’s coffers or comforts. Even if she has upgraded the family’s lifestyle considerably, she must remain apologetic and unrecognised for her capabilities or her financial status. Often, she is subjected to incredible ungratefulness."

Recently, the Magnum Foundation, an NGO in Maharashtra, conducted a major survey among successful women and their families to research the effects of industrialisation, liberalisation and independence on women in the nineties. The findings showed that in the last 40 years, families have been fractured irreparably and only 20 percent of them are ‘together’ in the traditional sense. Women in large numbers have been recognised for their skills, abilities, beauty and glamour and have gained confidence and self assurance. But side by side, they have become ‘marketable’ commodities.

They have lost the stability and peace of mind. The moral downfall of society due to rampant material pursuits has gnawed at the feminine qualities of women and made them into insecure people who look constantly for support and appreciation. They become frustrated when this is not available from traditional family sources. They find that the sources of appreciation outside the home are transitory and unsatisfactory. Competition takes women to extremes like men and in this race towards success, their sensitivity is lost, giving rise to selfishness.

All in all, Indian women who earn and are proud of their independence of thought, don’t exactly lie on a bed of roses. Their lives are not exactly a cakewalk. Yes, there are the fortunate few who get a package deal in life with career success and family support and love, all wrapped into one shining, attractive bonanza. But against these few who are born under auspicious stars, there are innumerable women in urban India who ‘give’ and ‘nurture’ far more than men all their lives, only to find that they are not only taken for granted, but quite often, taken for a long ride by life’s vicissitudes and unpredictable onslaughts!

A well-known columnist, the writer is former editor of Femina

A MATTER OF ATTITUDE
The ways you can help
Teena Singh

MY friend Leena through school and college is and has been an extremely intelligent, soft-spoken and sophisticated girl who grew up to be a woman of style with a sense of humour. After English honours she finished a course in German Language from Maxmuller, New Delhi. Trusting a dear family friend’s judgement, her marriage was fixed to a young building contractor. The styles and up-bringing of the newly weds were poles apart. Added to this the young man was a compulsive gambler betting and losing even Leena’s wedding dress. But my dearest pal took upon herself the role to adapt, have a child to teach him responsibility and surround him with patience, counsel and care, so that he could overgrow his youthful follies.

Needless to say that she failed in her endeavour. The women in his house only worked at covering up his misdemeanour and locked out the world for his wife. Leena one fine morning escaped to her parents’ house after foiling a bid on her life. A long court case where he took a written assurance that Leena and their son would have no claim or right to any finances from him, finally got the divorce through.

A small town of Punjab had no great occupational offers to make, Leena’s brother had his family to look after, the parents were only growing older everyday. Families thought a young divorcee was a threat to their marital bliss, youngsters were discouraged from mixing around with that "separated woman". All this led to her re-marriage to a middle aged widower NRI with a daughter. Soon Leena was pregnant and the new life partner asked her to make a choice between him and her 7-year-old son. Had she again walked out of this marriage, she would have no where to go and thus her son joined her old parents while she served the widower and his daughter.

Twenty years now, she holds her broken self on a leash. Neither has it been a marriage of satisfaction nor a motherhood of love and respect. Did she have a choice? I know of many women friends who lump life. A lecturer friend forgave her husband his torrid affair while she was out of the country, but the man took it as her weakness and continues his sojourns with different women transported hiding in the back seat of his car to his various dating joints. Their women friends talk behind her back, the men friend laugh about it as their ‘being shaukeen. Does she know? Does she want to change the situation? Will anyone tell her? Or will she continue to deny the fact to herself and lead an emotionally barren life? Yet another lady running a successful business has continually been forgiving her erring husband, who each time breaks down to ask forgiveness and re-assure her on how he only loves his wife and she and only she shall always occupy the status of his wife and mother of his children. Is it important?

There are a couple of gays who have begged their wives to continue marriage and have a lover boy on the side. This just, so, the society accepts them as normal macho men. Does she have to pay the price? Anita ice packs all her bruises after a violent weekend, forcing herself to forgive the brute for his short temper. He is loving during the week and cares for the children. Is it worth it? On the other hand are a few revolutionary ladies who did not do the bidding and took their life in their own hands.

One decided to live all by herself and earn and live in peace. The other decided she alone would be enough to bring up kids with right values and pride. A battered wife screamed ‘enough’ and decided to live with a very loving and caring man. Yet another made her pansy husband pay her for his deceit and remarried.

But the society labelled them. It is all very easy to give inspirational talk. Easier still to write asking unhappy mothers, sisters and friends to take up cudgels. But what is required is a change of our own mindsets. Let not happily married women push their luck enough to gossip about their less fortunate, counterparts.

Let us not label the brave , according to our notions, as immoral. Let us not question the finer emotions of motherhood in our unhappy friends. To be single, separated, widowed or divorced not to be a suspicious or shameful status. Let us not hide or cover up the minuses of our life with laughter on miseries of others. Let the men not boast or encourage beastly acts of violence, fraud, deceit in their brethren and let not women succumb to the temptation of proving one better than the other and break homes. Let us not protect the misdeeds within our families. Only this shall give courage to millions of stifled souls within battered bodies protecting insecure kids, to break free into a world of happiness, respect, love and laughter.

FROM THE GRASSROOTS
‘Kishori Panchayats’: Early initiatives in self-help
Vichitra Sharma

Bochahan, Muzaffarpur (Bihar):"Poore desh mei ek hi charcha, gaon ka paisa gaon mei kharcha." And "sau kursi mei teintees kursi, mahila karegi uski poorti," (all over the country everyone is saying that money meant for the village should be spent in the village) and (out of 100 seats, 33 seats have to be won by the women). These verses rent the air as a group (five) of adolescent girls moved around the village informing and educating the homebound women and the old virtues of panchayati raj.

A refreshing and heartening sight, young girls of Bochahan village, educated up to the sixth, smart and spirited as teenagers in any big city are among the scores of adolescents who have been encouraged to form "Kishori panchayats," (adolescent panchayats). This novel experiment with girls (6 to 18 years) paid off well during the recent elections when these small groups moved around in their own villages to get the women in purdah and the old out to caste their votes. Neighbours, aunts, mothers, grandmothers in the interior of their homes were easily accessible to the kishoris who had been for the past two years discussing the virtues of participatory governance as well as health and hygiene with them.

According to Jitendra Prasad of Sustainable Agricultural Development Agency (SADA) at village Raghomajorti, which is working in collaboration with CENCORED (Centre for Communication Resources Development) of Patna, "the involvement of girls simply evolved." At the self-help group meetings for rural women where savings bank scheme, managing micro-credit, and information on family welfare were discussed. It was the young school drop-out girl accompanying her mother who would speak first, answer all the queries and explain to her mother on the side what the group leader was asking. "We decided to form a group of young girls to motivate them for community work. It was a resounding success," he said. At Bochahan block girls who had given up school as the secondary school was far away, decided to enroll for higher education because now 10 of them could take a bus together.

Rani, Archana, Neelam, Ruby and Neetu are all studying in class X. "Middle school is six km away while the high school is five. We have no problems nor do our guardians have any objection. There is power in numbers," said Neetu. In Adigopalpur, the kishori panchayat has decided to concentrate on micro-planning and carry forward the health programmes. At Dharampur, the girls have opted to concentrate on learning and monitoring panchayat work and are keen to pick up skills, like tailoring, that could also generate income. "We’ve got the confidence to inquire from the officers about the development programmes in our village. We are going to each hut to inform the elderly of government schemes that benefit them and also identify the poor and needy people," added Ruby.

During these elections we’ve educated our people who are almost all illiterate on the need to vote for candidates who are "charitravan" (morally upright), explained Neetu. The girls had pressurised the parents of a minor girl to postpone her marriage by two years. But there have been some failures too. "We did try but were unsuccessful in getting Rita’s marriage to an old man put off. Poor Rita, under pressure, relented," narrated Neetu. Through village plays, poems and pheris (going around singing), the kishoris are changing the face of their villages in a way that no NGO could have done.

Yet, it is an uphill climb for these girls as the songs they sing explain it all: Mother says you have to take the goat for grazing, the young girls answer, yes I will, but then I’ll go to school, in every village a kishori panchayat has been set up, I am so excited that I can hardly sleep; "Bartan, vasan ke pare jaeebei gey, morei akhiyan neendo nahi," (now mother says you have to clean the utensils and wash the clothes before you go; Kishori says yes I’ll do then go to study); "muniya khele ke pare jaeebei gey, morei akhiyan neendo nahi" (mother now says you have to mind the little sibling, kishori replies yes I’ll do that too but after I’ll go to study).

— Grassroots Feature Network

What Holds Back Indian Women?

The Editor, The Tribune, Sector 29, Chandigarh—160020
(Attention: Her world) or at editor@tribuneindia.com