Helping children overcome shyness
Victor M. Parachin

Parents and other significant adults can help a child overcome shyness. Here are eight steps to take:

Without taking over a child’s life and making all decisions for him, a parent can and should provide assistance from time to time. Consider the example of nine-year-old Amit, and his mother. After the family moved to Delhi, Amit had difficulty making new friends. One day, another family with a boy close to Amit’s age moved in the neighbourhood. "Let’s walk over and say ‘hello,’ Amit’s mother offered. Together they made the visit and within half an hour, Amit and his new friend, Parmeet, were playing in the playground.

Their friendship firmed up and grew through the decades. The two weathered many of life’s twists and turns together. That lifelong friendship might never have been forged had Amit’s mother not taken the time to get involved and help her son to reach out.

Do some homework with your child.
If a child is going to a party, have him/her find out who will be there, where they go to school, what interests they have. Psychologists call this technique "social reconnaissance." If your child has been invited to a party but is hesitant or fearful, those concerns can be relieved by making some discrete enquiries. Will there be other children your child knows? If so, knowing that will probably make him or her more comfortable about attending. If there is no one your child knows well, the task is to encourage him to view the opportunity as one of getting to know some new people and broadening his circle of friendships.

Parents should remember that it is important for their child to show up. While the easy path may be to avoid situations which are uncomfortable, such avoidance does not help in overcoming shyness.

Use role-playing.
Children have vivid imaginations. Utilise that gift by encouraging your shy child to create a "character" or role that is a bolder version of his. Then have the child mentally rehearse scenes in which the bolder character moves effortlessly in social settings.

Help a child pay attention to body language.
Shy, introverted people can send out signals of being distant, detached, and withdrawn. This can easily be corrected by paying attention to body language, says psychologist Arthur Wassmer, author of Making Contact: A Guide To Overcoming Shyness.

Dr. Wassmer uses a one-word reminder to list all the body-language signals which project warmth: SOFTEN. The ‘S’ stands for "smile," the ‘O’ for "open posture" (legs and arms uncrossed). The ‘F’ is for "forward lean," the ‘T’ for "Touch" or friendly physical contact such as shaking hands. The ‘E’ stands for "eye contact" — looking directly at the person — and the ‘N’ for "nod, which affirms one is listening and understanding.

Promote the taking of small steps.
At age 12, Raghav was physically smaller than most boys of his age. Many of his friends played football, but Raghav held back from trying out because of shyness and concern about his size.

"I realised that Raghav could play hockey and it would help him make friends with the other players," his father says. With new friends from the hockey team, Raghav became interested in other sports as well and began to challenge himself to succeed in new ways. Raghav’s comfort zone was broadened because his father promoted the taking of a small step by enrolling him in a few hockey classes. Small steps can yield large results for shy children.

Challenge kids to drop perfectionism.
Like many adults, children tend to be far too hard on themselves. Children need reminders that they don’t have to perform perfectly at social events — don’t have to tell the funniest jokes, be the most popular at school, be the highest-scoring athlete — in order to have healthy social interactions.

Cultivate the fine art of encouragement.
The quickest route to social success is by complimenting and encouraging other people. Remind children that increasing their attention to others in positive ways boosts the intensity of involvement, making them more socially appealing.

Remind children that there’s always another chance.
Don’t let a child mistakenly believe that because of one failure, he or she is permanently doomed. So if your child was afraid to speak to his coach, too self-conscious to raise her hand in class to ask the teacher a question, or too timid to reach out to a new student, point out that he or she has simply missed one opportunity. Remind them that they always have another chance.

Quitting alcohol might be easier than you think

Till just a few years ago, Mr Sharma, a middle-aged businessman of the city, led a life which he states was ‘‘miserable from every aspect.’’ Mr Sharma was an alcoholic. But things changed after he decided to get his "self-respect back.’’ He recalls, "The toughest part of this journey was the first step — the decision to leave drinking. Once you are through with this major decision, all you have to do is to get help, care and support and things start working out.’’

If Mr Sharma can do it, so can you. If you are a heavy daily drinker or you have a history of alcohol withdrawal, and you have decided that you want to de-addict yourself, you should contact a de-addiction centre at the earliest.Medical supervision is a must in all cases. If you are certain that it is safe for you to stop drinking without medical assistance then the following strategies may be helpful. First of all, do everything possible not to put off the decision to stop. The sooner you stop, the better off you will be. Once you have decided to quit, you should set a quit date. The sooner the better; TODAY is the best quit date of all.

Another important tip is to involve other people in your effort to stop drinking. Your family, including children, can become your biggest support at this stage. Also friends who have themselves quit can help. Start letting the people you can count on for support know of your intention to stop drinking, and begin checking out some self-help meetings. If you know people who go to such meetings, see if you can go along with them. The more you work towards building yourself a social network and lifestyle that does not revolve around drinking, the easier it will be for you to stop and to stay stopped. Once you have decided to stop, do everything you can to avoid the people, places, and emotional states that you typically associate with drinking. Beware of self-serving rationalisations like "I’ll just have one," "just this once," "I deserve this," or "now that I’ve proven that I can quit when I set my mind to it, it’s okay for me to drink from time to time."

If at first you do not succeed, try, try again. If you stop drinking for a while and then find yourself hooked to it again, don’t get bogged down. Give yourself credit for having succeeded in not drinking for as long as you did, think about where you went astray and how you can avoid such pitfalls the next time around, and commit yourself to quitting again as soon as possible. Don’t forget to consult a qualified professional if you are a heavy daily drinker or have a history of alcohol withdrawal.