Sunday, September 14, 2003		Life Ties

A bond nurtured by pain
 Taru Bahl

"OUR meeting is no coincidence. There is a connection from our previous birth. Circumstances willed our getting together enabling us to forge a bond of love which is unconditional and transcends the barriers of age, background and time. No explanation can justify this attachment. Put it down to divine intervention and leave it at that. Don’t assign motives or find ways of reciprocating perceived gestures of magnanimity," Indira aunty said as she explained her chance encounter with Pia, their instant rapport and the eventual meaning they came to acquire in each other’s life.

According to her, all relationships traversed a certain path and time frame before reaching the level of maturity and acceptance which ensured life-long permanence. In this case, things happened at a speed which made the guarded Pia lapse into brooding periods of internal dialogue, questioning the whys and hows of a magical relationship that changed her life. The day she started looking at it through Indira aunty’s eyes —- "It is God’s gift to a blessed one. He meant this to be. Flow with it and let the heart carve out its own path"—- was when she felt a surge of happiness and relief flow through her veins as she embraced aunty and sobbed uncontrollably. When the tears stopped, she felt as if a lifetime of pent up anger, pain and sorrow had been washed away.

They met at a rehabilitation centre. She had come for her husband’s alcohol detoxification and Pia was there for yet another of her brother’s drug de-addiction programmes. Thirty three years separated them. She was 65 and Pia 32. Due to paucity of space, drug and alcohol patients were clubbed together for a night.

All it took was one deep look into each other’s eyes and they seemed to have communicated a lifetime of grief. Nights of waiting, worrying about the safety of the inebriated men in their lives, bailing him out of embarrassing situations, dealing with broken promises and clearing of debts were issues they did not share over long hours of talking. They knew, they felt and they empathised intuitively.

One night spent by default in a clinical hospital room keeping vigil over two men in a comatose state was enough. These women had nothing except the illness of their loved ones in common. But from here began the story of their relationship and out of it emerged a sea of concern, constructive advice and physical help, which none in their intimate circle of family and friends had provided.

Indira pushed Pia to get professionally aggressive and explore opportunities challenging her capability. She made her snap out of her role of always being around to handle emergencies. She made her see sense in insisting on an allowance from her landed parents in Patna and physical help from her mother who could come and take charge when she travelled. Her parents had washed their hands off the son and, without blinking an eyelid, let Pia take him under her wing. It was alright five years ago but now in an aggravated state, they had to take more responsibility, however disillusioned they were on account of their only son being a stigmatised drug addict.

It took Indira years to come to terms with her not being the reason why her husband drank. Her job, good looks, popularity and competence were not responsible for his turning to the bottle. She had for too long played down her achievements, felt guilty for being ‘good’ and accepted blame for his drinking binges. She now knew that people like him do what they want and then transfer the blame on to a weaker person hoping to demolish, control and overpower him. This helps them to justify and continue with their bad behaviour. She could not let Pia go through the same indignities and humiliation. Whether she put him in an institution or moved out, she had to detach herself and look ahead. Already the biological clock was ticking and it was time she thought of marriage and settling down.

Indira got Pia involved in Al Anon and Narcotics Anonymous meetings where listening to others’ experiences brought relief besides giving inputs on self healing. The biggest learning came when she told her not to expect her brother to change, take responsibility or be there for her. She had to have her own contingency plan of action ready. By depending on him she was paving the way for a fresh round of hurt, depression and panic attacks. She could let him have all the chances he asked for, giving him benefits of doubt, hoping he would turn over a new leaf and take stock of his life. But at the same time, she should plan her future, delinking it with his grandiose announcements of reformation and recovery. Indira was not asking Pia to abandon her brother the way her colleagues and friends insisted.`A0"Fend for him, provide in the manner that is fair but lay down ground rules specifying this is how much you will take. By allowing him to dictate terms and take over your life, your goodness and ‘correctness’have become your biggest enemy."

Indira’s voice of sanity and wisdom, which came from years of quiet suffering, helped Pia detach herself from her brother’s sickness. She made small changes in the way she dealt with him and discovered how much better she felt. She stopped getting embarrassed about his erratic and rude behaviour. She started inviting friends whom she had earlier kept at an arm’s length. She made no attempts at covering up and giving reasons to why he was home, skipping office, or wearing clothes which were torn or reeking of alcohol. None of this was a reflection of her sisterly concern and efficiency. She firmly set a time limit beyond which she locked the house and went off to sleep. Surprisingly, he never carried out threats of bringing the neighbourhood down and after a few days of sulking got home on time. The nights he did not return, Pia learned not to go crazy worrying and blaming herself for his hitting the streets. Her prayers, meditation and growing detachment allowed her to ‘let be’.

When the chance came for her to go on an overseas assignment for a year, Indira convinced her to take it up and leave her brother behind. The changes in Pia’s life were obvious. She felt empowered, freer and lighter. She could actually break free from her past and explore opportunities which awaited her. She knew just how much Indira had contributed in changing the way she looked at life. At the same time she had this sad feeling that there was little she had done in return.

Pia’s year-long assignment turned into a life-long one. She married an Australian and settled down overseas. Her brother gave up drugs and moved to the village leading a semi wasted life. He survived, in spite of Pia’s ‘abandonment’ which would never have happened had it not been for Indira aunty. The daily communication over e-mail ensured that the two remained in touch and every year when Pia came to India, she knew that the only person she really wanted to meet was Indira. She nostalgically recalled how on an earlier visit to the college, Indira had indulgently introduced Pia to her colleagues saying, ‘Meri beti se bhi badh kar hai.’ That said it all.