Net picking

Strange

A LAWYER named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passers-by would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.

However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.

"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That’s Strange!"

Baptism

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"

"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetisers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."

"I don’t mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"

"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I’ve got a keg of beer and a case of whisky.

"Can you give me a push?"

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. "I’m not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren’t you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door.

It didn’t take the homeowner long to realise the man was drunk. "Hi there." slurs the stranger; "Can you give me a push?"

"No, get lost, it’s half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says

"Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again?

What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?" "But the guy was drunk." says the husband. "It doesn’t matter," says the wife.

"He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies: "I’m over here, on your swing."

Honesty pays

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of holiday shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.

Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy quickly replied, "That’s right, lady. The last time I found a purse, the owner didn’t have any change for a reward."

The trumpet player

This trumpet player was on the phone with his agent. He was concerned that he didn’t have a gig in a while. His agent tells him, "Listen, there aren’t any gigs out there but I found you something. I got you a gig bagging lions."

To which the trumpet player says, "What does that have to do with my playing."

The agent then says, "Look, the gig pays 100.00 for each lion that you bag, don’t worry about playing."

At this point the trumpet player will take anything so he hangs up and flies to Africa. Not wanting to miss any practice time he takes his trumpet with him while looking for the lions. He notices a lion coming toward him and the only thing that he could think of doing is playing his horn. He starts to play a beautiful ballad. He then notices that the lion starts to get sleepy and eventually goes to sleep. He grabs the lion, bags him and throws him in the back of his truck.

He goes a little further and sees another lion. Again he plays a beautiful ballad and again the lion falls asleep. This goes on all afternoon. The trumpet player has about 99 lions in his truck when he sees another.

He says, "What the heck, one more won’t hurt". He starts to play his ballad and notices that the lion is not paying any attention to him so he starts to play louder.

The lion starts to run toward the trumpet player. The trumpet player starts to play faster and faster but the lion keeps coming toward him. The lion jumps on the trumpet player and eats him.

One of the lions on the truck turns to another lion and says, "I told you that when he gets to the deaf one the gig would be over".

(These jokes have been culled from various sites on the Internet by Sunil Sharma)