Netpicking

E’mail blunder

A BUSINESSMAN from Wisconsin went on a business trip to Louisiana. Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port and sent a short e-mail back home to his wife at her e-mail address.

Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter in the destination e-mail address and it ended up going to the wife of a preacher who had just passed away and was buried that day. The preacher’s wife took one look at the E-mail and promptly fainted. The e-mail read, "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"

Doggie sleep

One afternoon, I was in the back yard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour.

This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children — he’s trying to catch up on his sleep."

Weight-lifting

Somewhat sceptical of his son’s new-found determination to become Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department. "Please, Dad," wheedled the boy, "I promise I’ll use ‘em every day..."

"I dunno, Michael. It’s really a commitment on your part," the father pointed out.

"Please, Dad?"

"They’re not cheap either."

"I’ll use ‘em Dad, I promise. You’ll see."

Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door. From the corner of the store he heard his son yelp, "What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?"

Dorm Rules

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students,pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

Coffee 23

Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.

It maketh me to wake in green pastures:

It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.

It restoreth my buzz:

It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction,

I will fear no Equal (tm):

For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.

Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of The Starbucks:

Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.

Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life: and

I will dwell in the House of Mocha’s forever.

Amen

What was that?

The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarise the details of an accident in the fewest words. These instances of faulty writing served to confirm that even incompetent writing might be highly entertaining.

* Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.

* The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

* I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

* I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

* A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.

* A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

* The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

* I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

* I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole.

* I had been shopping for plants all day, and was on my way home. As I reached the intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

* I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

* I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.

* As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

* To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

* My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

* An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

* I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.

* I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

* The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

* I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

* In indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

* I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray dogs.

* The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.

(These jokes have been culled from various sites on the Internet by Roopinder Singh)