Netpicking

How old are they?

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marvelling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."

"That’s an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answer: "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

Sick of blonde jokes.

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK.

She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing.

She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on.

She replies that she was reading the directions the paint can and they said: "For best results, put on two coats."

What was the problem?

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he explained. "It took us awhile to find a new pilot."

Marriage

"Marriage converted me from an atheist to a believer."

"That’s great. How? How’d that happen?"

"I have started believing in hell!"

A deep voice

A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: "Dig!

He looks around. Nobody’s there. "I am having hallucinations," he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: "I said dig!"

So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock.

The deep voice says: "Open!"

OK. The man thinks, let’s open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins.

The deep voice says: "To the casino!"

Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino.

The deep voice says: "Roulette!"

So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables where the players gaze at him with disbelief.

The deep voice says: "27."

The man takes the whole pile and drops it at the number 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball. The ball stays at the 26.

The deep voice says: "Oops!"

Love stamps

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says: "I’m sending out 1,000 Valentines cards signed: ‘Guess who?’ "

"But why?" asks the man.

"I’m a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Bumper sticker

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

(These jokes have been culled from various sites on the Internet by Roopinder Singh.)