Care to be considerate
By Taru Bahl

WHEN the car in which Princess Diana and her friend Dodi were travelling met with an accident, the first thing that people reacted to was the inconsideration of the paparazzi. They were accused of intruding into the private lives of public figures, selling their sensational photographs to tabloids with no consideration for their ‘victims’. No one looked at it as a means to earn a livelihood. The public condemned them for their lack of sensitivity, concern, compassion and understanding as they ruthlessly exposed little tid-bits of information from the personal lives of celebrities for a price. Whatever the moral implications of the debate, it doesn’t rule out the role consideration plays in our mental and behavioural responses.

When the hungry and thirsty soldiers of Napoleon, after a gruelling search for water, brought some precious drops in his helmet, he thanked them before pouring it into a dry plant close to him. His response was, "How can I drink water and quench my thirst when my men are bloody thirsty?" When an old Anupam Kher in Saaransh goes for a job interview he desperately needs and finds the interview panel favourably considering him, he passes up the offer in favour of the young man who used to be his student and who too needed the job badly. Sensing his need to be greater, Kher sacrifices something that was important to him too. Now, this may be a film but there are any number of people for whom being considerate is a way of life.

Consideration is one trait which we often tend to ignore. When we talk of maintaining friendships, we list qualities like loyalty, love, understanding and dependability but forget that consideration is the silent factor which cements the bond, adding value and depth to a relationship. Whether at home or in the office, while dealing with an office peon, driver or the CEO, consideration is the ability to look at things from the other’s point of view. The dictionary defines consideration as careful thought; something that should be kept in mind while taking a decision. It is thoughtful or sympathetic concern for others. It is also another name for kindliness.

Shiv Khera, HRD guru, in his popular book You Can Win, narrates a simple story which brings out the quality of consideration poignantly. There is a 10-year-old boy who goes to an ice cream parlour. Eagerly, he enquires the price of an ice cream cone. The waitress tell him it costs 75 cents. The boy has some loose change which he carefully counts. Crestfallen, he now asks the cost of a smaller cup. She gets impatient and snaps dismissively, "65 cents". The boy takes his cup and leaves. When the waitress comes to clear the table she sees that he has left 10 cents as tip. She is immediately filled with remorse. She clutches the 10 cents and hopes he drops by again so that she can be nicer to him. Here, not only was the boy considerate but with his small gesture he made the waitress conscious of her unsavoury behaviour. Showing courtesy, consideration, politeness and thoughtfulness can never be a waste. People who are genuinely considerate, however, do not look for gains or return benefits. Even if the person across is rude and ungrateful, they continue to be nice and pleasant.

They are also careful of the words they use. Their intent is never to hurt. They go out of their way to help people. When Gaurav had to break the news of his friend’s death to his parents, he spent a sleepless night distraught and worried thinking how badly it would affect the old couple. Similarly, Sharad never liked his fiance Maneka’s job profile. He felt it created stress for her and was not in tune with her core competence area. They had had major rows over it. Yet when she got into trouble over a needless office controversy, he was by her side helping her cope with the crisis. All these people didn’t do anything which required earth-shattering effort. They were just considerate human beings who were ready to help anytime, anywhere.

There is a poem on friendship where two stanzas have been devoted to consideration. It goes like this:"Consideration cheers the faint and weary, makes the timid spirit brave, warns the erring, lights the dreary, smoothes the passage to the grave. Consideration-pure and unselfish, all through life’s allotted span, nurtures, — strengthens, widens, lengthens man’s relationship with man."

Management experts, who try to develop leadership qualities in corporate managers, link courage with consideration. According to them, while courage focuses on getting the golden egg, consideration deals with the long-term welfare of others. The balance between courage and consideration has to be just right. There are people who, in order to appear morally correct and principled, put their kith and kin through the toughest of ordeals. A mother, who was a teacher, was harsh to her own children. Since they studied in the school where she taught, she did not want to be perceived as being partial towards them. So even when they deserved to be praised, she ignored them. By constantly pushing her own children into the background, she succeeded in creating and enhancing her image of being just. But was she fair to her own children? Consideration requires courage — physical and moral courage — to take the right decisions. It is the balance between the two which is the actual sign of maturity.

People who are considerate may need to get out of their soft, sentimental mould and be more confrontationist and outspoken. According to Edward de Bono "Seek first to understand then to be understood". Most of us are on a massive ego trip. We refuse to take signals from others and be there when they need us. Bono cites several levels of caring. The first is sincere intent. There has to be the desire to care, understand, and reach out to the people you love. That feeling has to get communicated otherwise it is of no use. The second level of consideration is the expression of verbal and non-verbal gestures where feelings, thoughts and sentiments find a legitimate outlet. The third and final stage is where both intention and gesture get converted into firm action thereby helping the considerate person do something concrete.

Actions have to spring from intention. Feelings of consideration and caring cannot be forced or insisted upon. Small gestures matter. To genuinely considerate people it comes naturally. They almost miraculously sense others’ loneliness and hurt before they reach out without embarrassing them or making a big deal about it. They know that consideration when overdone becomes trite and pretentious. It can also backfire. If someone wants to be left alone and you insist on lending a shoulder it can get very tiresome. One must be sensitive to signals and body language. It is as important to be there for people as to leave them alone if that is what they really want. Giving each other space is also being considerate.