Building resilience
By Taru Bahl

"HOW did you do it?" is a question most of us admiringly put to those who we feel have been through the most arduous and painful times of their lives, emerging not only alive and in one piece but also with their dignity, value system and sense of humility intact. We admire their ability to cope with stress without becoming nervous wrecks, of handling tough people and tougher situations without allowing the demons of insanity to penetrate their being, to stop themselves from going to pieces in really grievous times as they stage a miraculous recovery, bouncing back to life.

Often when we find ourselves collapsing physically and emotionally, we wonder if we are unlucky or if our circumstances are unfavourable or if our temperament or attitude is all wrong. We overlook the importance of resilience in the mental make-up of survivors and fighters and the entire gamut of mind-heart-spirit-body strengths which they have incorporated in their psyche, giving them the power to overcome crises and hardships, making their journeys appear less hazardous and treacherous. It is not as if they are physically stronger or endowed with special powers, it is just that they have the right attitude. They take stock immediately and try to set things right. They are pillars of strength to their families. They are resilient.

There is this prayer which reflects the mindset of the typically resilient person. "God give us the grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things that can and the wisdom to know the difference. "Modern lifestyles have put enormous pressure on the individual who has to cope with high stress situations all the time. Incidences of depression, suicide, broken homes and substance are on distrubing upswing.

Project Resilience is a US-based group which also aims at making people develop their ‘resiliency. They have modified and broad based psychologist Carl Jung’s Universal symbol of the circle which stands for peace and order in the self. The ‘resilience mandala’ as it is now referred to has been represented pictorially on the accompanying diagram. Each circle represents a stage of human development. At the centre is the omnipresent self. The concentric circles list out the childhood, adolescent and adult phase of human resiliency.

Resilience can be acquired in adulthood though the foundation is laid in childhood, refining itself with the passage of time. A resilient person has high intuitive powers. As a child, he has a sensing temperament that prompts him to ask questions, seek new and novel ways of doing things. As an adolescent, his feel for things takes on a definitive shape. He now comprehends and ‘knows’ his way around, confusing situations, convincing and selling concepts and products to cynical buyers and winning over arrogant and unfriendly people. Finally as an adult, he develops a conscious and mature understanding of himself, his environment and the people who figure in his life. This gives him confidence and clarity. His intuition then is not a fluke, it is a natural progression of a series of behavioural responses which culminate into deep understanding of complex issues.

Resilient people do not develop their sense of freedom and independence overnight. The seeds are sown in childhood when their strong sense of perception cautions them, making them steer clear off trouble. As they grow older they learn to emotionally disengage themselves from people and situations which don’t appear ‘right’. By the time they turn into adults, they have conditioned their responses towards one end — not to get hurt. They learn to delink the body, mind and heart which is why unlike others they are not so messed up and confused. They recognise signals which could upset their emotional apple-cart. For instance when they see a relationship heading towards doom, they are the ones who are most likely to terminate it. They don’t like hanging in-between they don’t like to be indecisive and dependent on others for their emotional sustenance. They don’t like to give others complete authority over their emotions, feelings and sense of wellbeing. They appear stronger but the fact is that they are more resilient.

Resilient people have the knack of nurturing meaningful bonds. Right from the time they are children, they realise that connecting to like-minded people can contribute not just to their happiness but also stability. As adolescents they identify and reach out to such people, working hard to maintain these ties. They don’t keep selfishly grabbing, they know how to give and that is whip their friends and family value them. People are often envious of them when they see their friends taking immense pains at bailing them out of trouble. They haven’t ‘cultivated’ these useful contacts. They are just good ‘friend material’.

As children, resilient people show ‘risk taking’ abilities. They are not afraid of making mistakes, asking questions and exploring the unknown. As adolescents they further hone their exploratory streak by working towards creating systems which are foolproof. By the time they reach adulthood, they learn to generate ideas, create new pathways and turn into successful trendsetters and leaders.

Imaginative children fiddle with bric-a-brac, pull things apart, experience the thrill of creation upon rejoining them and feel as sense of loss when they don’t. Somewhere along the line, they learn to take both winning and losing, creating and destroying, pleasure and pain, loyalty and deceit, honesty and cheating in their stride. They even learn to make light of serious issues as they trivialise things which cause them hurt. They begin to see absurdity in serious situations. They are certainly not insensitive or ‘made of sterner stuff but are quicker at picking themselves up, laughing at their broken misshapen selves as they resolve to put things behind them.

The last and most important characteristic of a resilient person is his strong sense of morality. As children, they are judgmental, slotting things as good and bad. As adolescents, the desire to be seen and acknowledge as correct becomes more intense. They begin to value principled behaviour and in their own unique way put others under pressure to do the same. Which is why you find that even an immoral cheat may respond to them ‘correctly’. As adults they believe in serving others, and not deliberately hurt or take advantage of others. Their sense of fair play, consideration and respect for the person across contributes in their turning into individuals who are complete and wholesome and who are a treat to know and befriend. Resilient people have an infectious aura about them. They trigger in others envy and curiosity as they try to unravel their persons. If one is able to introspect, one can build on one’s resilience quotient because ultimately it is up to us.