Cane and disable?

Psychologists do not ever advise parents not to punish children.
A great deal of human learning from the cradle to the grave
consists of learning what not to do — not to play with fire,
not to steal, not to kill, says Nonika Singh

AN NRI disembarks from a flight from the USA at Indira Gandhi International Airport. On touching the Indian soil, he slaps his seven-year-old across the face and yells: "Now you go and complain to whichever authority you please". A trifle exaggerated ? Perhaps. But the anecdote amply demonstrates the frustration of an Indian parent living abroad, who has to contend with the law before raising a hand on his child. Besides, it mirrors the widely held belief in the pithy saying -- "Spare the rod and spoil the child". Punishment to suppress or stop an unwanted response from occurring in future has always been an inextricable aspect of our child-rearing practice.

Moreover, in a nation which had the gurukul parampara, where even minor lapses were not overlooked and the disciples had to bear the wrath of the guru, it has always been a part and parcel of the school process. Though times have changed and corporal punishment is frowned upon now, a tight slap, spanking, light caning, or even boxing the student’s ears have been considered acceptable.

However, in the recent past, modern educated parents, fed on excessive doses of psychology, have turned over anxious about their progeny, and begun to question the teacher’s right to mete out punishment. Interestingly, the chagrin of the parents is often directly proportional to their social status. So, a former CM did not even blink twice before launching a physical assault on a teacher who had tried to discipline the VIP’s errant child.

A school principal submits that parents are getting hyper over a trivial issue — to hit or not to hit which, traditionally, has been the prerogative of the teacher. Dr JM Jerath, a psychologist (who teaches human motivation), contends that "uncalled for parental reaction and concern is creating a greater havoc than the sting of a slap itself".

Of course, no sane person will condone extreme forms of corporal punishment, like hitting a child black and blue, stripping him naked, or kicking him, as these can maim a child forever. But shouldn’t mild forms of punishment be considered acceptable?

Says Prof. S.S. Sodhi, Department of Education, "For some children the fear of punishment is a deterrent. Such children perform better if the Damocles’ sword of punishment keeps hanging on their heads. Anxiety acts as a motivator". Dr Vidhu Mohan, a psychologist, though against physical punishment in principle, contends that if the golden dictum "Never hit a child in anger" is followed, physical penalising can become a disciplining tool.

Alas, most of us hit children in moments of frustration. P. Sen, a social worker, says, "Consciously or subconsciously, people in subordinate positions always become targets of our deep-seated hostilities. A hapless child often becomes a victim of adult repression."

Moreover, she argues that how and where can you draw a line between mild and severe punishment?She adds: "Are adults aware of the underlying strength behind a seemingly innocuous slap?" She isn’t kidding. Sample this: A teacher caused irreparable damage when she slapped a child and the huge stone in her ring scarred the child’s face.

Dr Anuradha Bhandari, a child psychologist, comments, "The consequences of repetitive punishment are unimaginable. Even a single isolated incident can be shattering." More so in a classroom which is akin to a stage where some of life’s most important acts are played out. School experience can be exhilarating for those who fit in academically and socially, but a sheer misery for those who don’t. Mrs P.K. Singh, Principal, Vivek High School, avers. "The empowerment a child reposes at the door of a teacher is incredible. The teacher owes it not only to the taught but to society at large to use this power judiciously." Indeed, the teacher is the first authority figure in a child’s life, the first role model. Question the tinytots and eight out of 10 would want to emulate their teachers. Besides, the teacher’s word is final, more valuable and powerful than that of the parents. How often have you as a parent heard your little one’s refrain, "No mum, my teacher told me to do it this way." Henry Adams rightly said, "A teacher affects eternity, he can never tell where his influence stops."

But in India, with a lopsided teacher-student ratio (a staggering 1:70 in some schools), preoccupied teachers remain oblivious to the importance they have in a child’s life. Children for them are sheer numbers, or, at best, a few names, not throbbing pulsating beings. Dr Bhandari frets, "You can’t blame the teachers for being insensitive. Damn the system where school teachers’ salaries are abysmally low. What are psychologists like us doing in the university? A school needs teachers who understand psychology just as a home requires parents who have a level of understanding. Being just biological parents is not enough."

Haven’t our parents, whose staple diet comprised regular masterji ke dande, grown up into perfectly normal healthy human beings? Dr Jerath counters, "It is fallacious to apply norms which existed decades ago on the present generation. Norms are not constant but subject to time, place and situation.Since other factors have undergone a metamorphosis, children cannot be judged by the same yardstick."

Undeniably, today’s child is overstressed. Information explosion, the latch-key syndrome, nuclearisation of family structures, parental ambition etc have taken their toll and snatched away their ‘not- a- care-in- the world’ innocent childhood. What we have today are a tribe of precocious little adults whose self-esteem could be hurt at the slightest provocation. Ateacher’s reprimand can trigger off a chain reaction, push them over the brink, or set them on the road to socially unacceptable behaviour.

Dr P. Verma, a psychologist, opines, "Even at home, punishment will be effective if used sparingly, and by a parent who is otherwise warm and caring. But at school, where the teacher-taught interaction isn’t relationship-oriented, its absolutely avoidable." While at home an act of punishment is followed up by succour (parents always try to make up), at school, the teacher just hits and forgets. But the child remembers. As he/she broods alone, the growing resentment translates into aggressive personality traits.

A city counsellor associated withMARC (Motivation Awareness, Rehabilitation and Counselling for Children) cites several cases in which young children have called them up expressing deep-seated desire to square up with the teacher who, they feel, had humiliated them in the presence of others. Research worldwide has shown that the everyday source of aggression is negative evaluation from another person. Physical punishment, a noxious event, epitomises insult and is likely to breed counter-aggression. Violent role models, be it parents or teachers, can only inculcate rebellion in a child’s impressionable mind.

Dr Tehal Kohli, professor, education, asserts, "Physical punishment kills initiative in a child and acts as a dampener on personality development. Children who are over-punished grow up as dependents and do not bloom into autonomous beings."

However, as is erroneously believed and held, psychologists do not ever advise parents not to punish children. A great deal of human learning from the cradle to the grave consists of learning what not to do -- not to play with fire, not to steal, not to kill... Parents and society teach through use of positive reinforcement and punishment.

Physical threat exists in our natural setting and no child can be insulated from violence. So physical punishment can be modified to become an important tool for teaching.

However, parents today, reeling under the impact of ‘modernity’, submit only too willingly to nouveau cliches. "Let’s be friends" seems to be the mantra in the new parent-child tie.

Never mind that children need parents as rallying points and the recent shift from an authority figure to a friendly mode has been an unmitigated disaster. Parents who combine warmth with moderate restraint and an authoritative style will foster independence and social maturity in children. It was also found that parents with an authoritative style had children who were friendly, curious and self-reliant. In contrast, children of ‘permissive parents’ showed little self-reliance and self-control and many such children were judged to be impulsive or aggressive.

Dr Bhandari questions furiously, "Firmness is not synonymous with cruelty. Why is the rod needed in the first place? Sure enough, discipline is the pre requisite of a civilised society.

But children can be trained through alternative methods like withdrawal of love, withholding reward and delayed gratification." Dr Mohan adds, "By physical punishment we are imposing morality from above, whereas it has to be internalised. Children are not disciplined because parents lack consistency of behaviour and react according to their moods. Plus, in a home you can’t have two sets of rules. One for the parents and the other for the children." Parents have to take a lead. In a relationship, it has been proved that by and large children do espouse values similar to those of parents.

Dr Jerath concludes, "Life is a balancing act. However precarious, we have to evolve a golden mean. How can we — both parents and teachers — abdicate our responsibilities and refer to a textbook of readymade solutions? Life is not always this or that. In the dictionary there is a word called discretion."

In sum, as parents and teachers we have to keep the interest of the most precious human resource uppermost in our minds and not forget the oft-repeated adage: Children need love most when they deserve it the least..