The green-eyed factor
This 'n' that
By Renee Ranchan

JEALOUSY — that I guess will be the topic of the day, courtesy a young woman who, I guess, passes as a friend. A friend is a person who shares her woes, inner feelings and insecurities, no? So since the other morning she did so, she does thus qualify.

This lady — let us call her Anoushka, am rather fond of the name — seemed distraught. A little cajoling — a little tea ‘n’ sympathy — and all came out. On December 20, she would be celebrating her second wedding anniversary and the marriage was already on the rocks. Focussing my attention on pouring a second cup of tea, I sluttered, everybody felt she could not have been more fortunate, for she has such a loving, considerate, always-there-for-her husband. That was it, said Anoushka, he was always there and had I not heard of jealous love? Yes, yes had heard about possessiveness, loving-the-person-to-pieces so as to not allow breathing space or any other relationship to grow, develop or exist... That was what she meant, sighed the lady. Her husband chokes her with all the ‘loving attention’.

Initially, she felt fortunate — for he even accompanied her on the daily, mundane shopping trips to the vegetable market. The feeling, however, was shortlived. He resented her friends dropping by and the air is thick (yes, thick!) with is-not-my-love-enough-for-you accusation. The guilt, she experiences as a result, is over-burdening. "And he simply cannot comprehend why I should enjoy the occasional outing with a close friend (girlfriend, silly) How and why should I discard my past ties" asked the lady teary-eyed. I had no answer and so just offered her the tissue box. That, however, was not the end of it. The ‘better-half’ would go into jealous sulks, and a trip to her parents’ home without him in tow would set off a row. And when he tags along with her he is not happy... Why should she glow and giggle there? How come that radiance was missing when she was with him — did his devotion, adoration fall short’. (A barrage of illogical questions!) And her mother, why must she cluck and fuss around her like a mother hen... did she believe she was ignored and unpampered in her new home? No amount of reasoning, that that was what mothers were for, would work. What about his own mum, who could not get enough of her sonny-boy?

A couple of hours after Anoushka left I could not get myself to attend to the chores I had timetabled... clear my desk’s drawers, make the mandatory phone-calls and yes, most important run down to a gardening-equipment shop to get that bug-spray. December is already here, and my garden is still buzzing with mosquitoes. And mosquitoes, you know how they have a way of finding their way indoors. What do you make of this snapshot: Sleeping in quilt, one of those heavy Shimla razais, with the fans wishing above. That is the only way to keep those mosquitoes at bay. Besides, the dengue fear in Delhi has not yet subsided. So, what did I do... sit at my desk, (okay, it was untidy) and think about jealousy, what else? So where do we start? I think it shall be only fair to start with women — we have talked about the jealous husband and yes, we do not want our men to take this as a male-bashing piece. Women, as goes the general stereotype, are more prone to jealous bouts. The man is late from work and she will conclude her spouse is having an affair. Jealousy blinds her to the point that when the unsuspecting, work-beaten man returns home, he finds a woman simmering with jealousy. And it is no easy task assuaging her. And then if a man is with his ‘better-half’ and happens to cast an admiring look at a girl passing them by, it is show-down time.

The husband (or boyfriend) assures, reassures his lady love that she is the most beautiful woman in the world, his nanosecond appreciation of the girl was simply an academic, aesthetic exercise. In other words, held no meaning at all. If his ‘beloved’ so desired he would even wear blinders the next time he ventured out of the house. His ‘better-half’ only snorts in jealousy! While writing this story comes to my mind: An uncle laughingly told me how ‘cute’ he found his wife’s bouts of jealousy even after ‘25-years not out’ (surely, you have seen that mushy too-good-to-be-true ad on T.V. where a mattress comes with a 25-year guarantee (!)and is gifted to the silver-jubilee couple for the, yes, next quarter!) Remember this is not the usual jealous genre we are accustomed to. The wife stalks off with a prim little huff when she feels sidelined. The uncle has a large circle of friends (hangers-on, if you ask the wife) and is obliged to ‘dole out’ some time to them. The wife makes no bones of her envy, accuses him of enjoying ‘their’ company more than hers and has to be wooed back with flowers. (No, I am not making this one up!) The husband feels it is this brand of possessiveness that makes him feel infinitely wanted. However, with this happy tale let us move on to less romantic (?) kinds of jealousy.

Jealousy can actually be typified, who would have thought so ? Sibling rivalry — who has not heard or experienced it? A little competition (and even more of that little) between siblings is but natural. But how about when you grow up, when you have grown up children yourself? With childhood, teenage a lifetime ago, how come you have managed to leave everything behind but that arrested, disquieting envy — that boils over at the slightest nudge? A few years ago, I met two women, identical twins, and immediately warmed up to them. Same eyes, nose, twist of the mouth and bent of the head. Even their voice. And how lovely to fool others, play puckish pranks that go along the, "You play me, I play you’ lines. The older (or was it younger?) of the two on a later meeting confessed that she shared a ‘glacial relationship’ (her description!) with her twin. (Yes, I had felt a chill but thought it was the weather!) Reason: Jealousy, of course. The other being perkier and more popular and the gnawing jealous feeling had not been worked out even 43 birthdays and two college-going children later. I did not know what to say except that her truthfulness was refreshing. Yes, growing up is not only about outgrowing your jeans but a good many other things — jealousy for starters, even if it is residual. Residual waste, does have a way of worming its way back....

The work field, say we take a peep at how jealousy works there? If you happen to be both talented and hard-working, you shall obviously not be the favourite person at office. Rather it is the promotions that you get that make your colleagues unhappy. And it does not matter that you adhere to the 99 per cent perspiration and 1 per cent inspiration’ motto. To them you are just plain lucky, otherwise how do two promotions, in a single year, fall into anyone’s lap? The jealousy spree may stretch to the point where uncomplimentary stories about you are cyclostyled either to stump further advancement or (if luck favours them!) to get you out of work.

Friendship, that much celebrated ‘state’, is not jealousy-proof either. Many long and enduring associations crumble, yes because of the ‘J’ factor. I remember one friendship of Hindi film Dosti. And it did not even make it to adulthood! Reason: Two boys, friends since tiny-tots, wanted to make it to medical college and so they would burn the midnight oil. The friendship, you guessed right, caved in when one got the admission and the other was left out in the cold. Of course, it was natural for the friend who did not make it to foam for some time in jealous frustration but it resulted in ringing the death-knell of their invincible dosti !

Still have lots to say about jealousy. The ma-in-law, bahu brand. Now how could we have forgotten that? However, it is time to call it a day. So what should we say... a dash of jealousy here, a sprinkle there is but human. But if you happen to be hiss-hissing with it all the time, I think a defang treatment is the only cure! Any other suggestions?