Was it the right decision?
Prerana Trehan speaks to parents who took a conscious decision to have just one child at least a decade and a half ago. Today, with the children in their teens or early twenties, do they still feel they made the right decision or do they regret their choice? Read on to find the answers.

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Was it the right decision?

Prerana Trehan speaks to parents who took a conscious decision to have just one child at least a decade and a half ago. Today, with the children in their teens or early twenties, do they still feel they made the right decision or do they regret their choice? Read on to find the answers.

Single child families are still a rarity in our country where making babies competes closely with watching cricket and taking the civil services examination as the national pastime. Rarer still are parents who have only one child as the result of a conscious decision and not due to medical problems. Most parents still prefer to have at least two children, if not more, and hang what the government's family planning agencies say.

What prompts some people to have only one child? Do they ever regret their decision? And what about the single children - do they ever miss having a sibling?

"My husband and I decided to have only one child because we felt we must do whatever we could to help control the population of the country," says Veena Singh, a professor in Panjab University and mother of 25-year-old Tulika. For others, circumstances seem to have forced the decision. "We both were busy with our careers when Rajat came along and we decided to defer having a second child. Soon it was too late," smiles Charu Khanna, mother of 21-year-old Rajat. "Though we haven't ever regreted our choice. It really would have been difficult to spare time for one more child," she adds hastily. "We always wanted a daughter and so when Shweta was born we did not try for another child," opines Capt Rajnish Talwar, father of 24-year-old Shweta.

The question of resources plays an important part in the decision to have only one child. Most parents of single children feel that given the resources they have, both in terms of time as well as money, they can raise only one child comfortably. "With one child you don't have to stretch yourself," is how Rekha, mother of 18-year-old Raman, puts it. Most feel that it is easier for parents to give their best to one child. As Neera, mother of 16-year-old Shivli, says, "Giving one's 100 per cent to two children is impossible."

Regret, by and large, seems to have no place in the mental make-up of these parents, most of whom feel that "having one child is okay" and given a second chance they would do the same thing again. But then again there are those who differ. "Having one child is okay for parents, but the child does get lonely. I don't really regret our decision but now I feel that two kids are a must," says Vipin Gupta, mother of 19-year-old Sharat. Agrees Shilpa, a harried mother of a 6-year-old. "Since I am the only playmate he has, he wants my constant attention and at times it gets so tiring. Sometimes I wish I had another child so they could play with each other and leave me alone."

Relationships, too, differ somewhat in single-child families. Most single children tend to be closer to their parents than their counterparts who have siblings. "Tulika is very close to both of us, especially to me," says Veena. But sometimes this closeness can take on another hue - that of possessiveness. Single children may, at times, find it difficult to share parental attention. This fact stands corroborated by Neera who feels that Shilvi is possessive about her. Another interesting factor that emerges is that single children mostly tend to make lots of friends. "Sharat has always had many friends to whom he is very close," says Vipin. "I can't tell my parents everything and that is why I have so many friends. Sometimes I feel that if I had a brother or a sister, I wouldn't try so hard to make friends," adds Shweta thoughtfully. "I must have been quite a problem for my parents; I never wanted to stay at home and was always out with friends," remembers Neelu, a single child.

A question that arises is whether these parents are overprotective about their children. "When you have only one of something, it becomes very precious to you and you are afraid of losing it. That is why parents tend to be overprotective about their only child," says Capt Talwar. Some parents, however, go out of their way to avoid this pitfall. "We consciously tried never to be overprotective about Tulika and she has grown into a very independent-minded and confident young woman," says Veena with obvious pride. But one thing is certain: Single children receive undivided parental attention and most parents rank that as the best part about having one child. "You can give your child proper attention," says Vipin. A sentiment that Neera echos when she says, " You can spend quality time with an only child."

But as they say, one man's meat is another man's poison. How do single children cope with being the focus of so much attention? And what about parental expectations - are they more from an only child? "Yes that is true; I do feel my parents have more expectation from me," admits Amit. "My parents watch my every movement - where I have gone, when will I be back; it can be quite exasperating. I wish I had a sibling, then at least they would leave me alone for sometime," opines another single child.

Don't these parents ever worry whether their children will be lonely once they themselves are not around any longer? After all, friends are rarely life- long. Most are difficult to keep in touch with once they get busy with their own lives. "I do worry that Sharat might be lonely once we are not around any more," says Vipin. But here again opinions vary. "More than brothers or sisters, it is friends whom one can count on these days," feels Neera.

There was a time, before the days of the inverted red triangle, when the concept of 'the more the merrier' determined the number of children a couple would have. Those were the days of large families when having only one child was a sure sign of medical or marital problems. Alarmed at a birth rate that showed no signs of slackening, the government cajoled or coerced people into accepting the hum do hamare do norm. Urban, educated couples started planning their families and limited the number of their offspring to two or three. Two-child families are still the norm, though now an increasing number of parents are opting to have only one child. Undoubtedly, raising one child is a different experience from bringing up two or more children, but at the end of the day, numbers are not important. The bottomline is raising kids in a loving and nurturing environment so as to ensure that they grow into secure and confident individuals.

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