Spoilt brats are made, not born
An oft-witnessed scene in a departmental store: The kid is begging for a chocolate while his mother is keen to buy him something nutritious. Gradually the begging turns into whimpering and a while later there is an outburst of tears and screams. 

TELL ME WHY

• Why can’t she get along well with my mother?
• Why does he bring home friends for dinner without informing me well in advance?

REFLECTIONS
Realise your own worth

Spoilt brats are made, not born
By Rajshree Sarda

An oft-witnessed scene in a departmental store: The kid is begging for a chocolate while his mother is keen to buy him something nutritious. Gradually the begging turns into whimpering and a while later there is an outburst of tears and screams. The exasperated mother surrenders and buys the chocolate because she doesn’t want to have a big scene. To most people this would seem a trivial indulgence. But such parental decisions lead to bigger problems later.

Where have we as parents gone wrong? Deepa Kapur, head of the department of psychology at Indraprastha College, Delhi, says: "It is the parents lack of involvement in their children’s lives that gives them guilt feelings so they compensate those by fulfilling the materialistic demands."

The spoilt brat, in addition to throwing temper tantrums, also has a standard weapon which he uses to force others to submit to his demands. "You don’t love me," he cries, "if you did, you would listen to me".

Such a demanding child has problems later on because at each significant stage in his development no one has said "no" to his demands. Not having learned to live within limits as a child, he has a difficult time adjusting with others when he becomes an adult.

Why do parents submit to the whims of a child? Why do they permit this immature youngster to be their master? The parents’ answer would mostly be that they do this out of "love". Such parents, particularly mothers, try to give him "everything his little heart desires". They are most anxious to keep the child’s love for them alive. They cannot bear a scowl, look of annoyance or irritation on their baby’s face for they feel threatened that they might lose the child’s affection. With this parental behaviour, the child realises that he can get his way if he fusses and fumes. By the time the parents feel the need to set firm limits, it is too late—the child is used to having his way around. Parents then usually end up giving in to temper tantrums, even if it means making sacrifices and giving up their own rights.

Even when these spoilt brats turn into adults, and get married, they are a source of extreme tension to their partners. A woman who is facing a lot of problems tackling her spoilt husband says: "Living with my husband is like living on an emotional rollercoaster. He does not care about how I feel. It is only how he feels that counts and I am expected to go along and be happy about it. He is rough and rarely appreciates me as a person. He treats me like dirt all day and then expects me to jump joyously into bed with him at night. I feel so bruised and utterly used by him."

Here are a few tips for parents to raise confident, responsible children who eventually turn into healthy, responsible adults:

Be a parent and not a friend: A child needs a leader not a buddy. Very often parents share their fears and problems with their children just as one might unburden oneself to a friend. Do not do that. Being a parent means setting rules and limits and a buddy doesn’t do that.

Instil discipline: "No" has to mean "No" and not "may be". And start early lest it gets too late to set limits.

Be a role model: Archna Raghuvanshi, a devoted mother of two exceptionally bright and well-bred girls, says: "Consistent authority is required and we parents have to be role models for our children and not "do as I say" parents but "do as I do" parents. It is not easy but there are no shortcuts."

Yes, this makes absolute sense because if the father beats up the mother regularly what sense does it make to ask a child to control his temper and not hit his little sister. If a child sees his parents behave in a dignified and disciplined manner, the child will realise deep inside that that is the way to live.

Spend time with your child: When we have no time for our children, we fail to observe them closely enough to become aware of the times when disciplinary assistance is required. The time and the quality of time we devote to children is very important. Children who spend more time with their parents do better and are more reasonable in their attitudes. Teenagers appreciate quality time but even then quality time can never replace availability of the parents at all times. Spending time also means that children are valued and this must be conveyed to them. The feeling that "I am valuable" is important for self-discipline.

Keep a check on TV viewing: Parents are sometimes shocked by the language and sexual knowledge which their young children exhibit. Not all of this information comes from peers or school friends. It could come indirectly through the media like Internet, TV, etc. Experts advise that children should not watch more than two hours of TV a day and that too only those programmes that are monitored by their parents (directly or indirectly). Archna Raghuvanshi says: "The shows which we feel our girls should not be watching even we don’t watch. You cannot tempt them and then expect restraint from them."

Remain together: The most important thing that parents can do to raise healthy and well-adjusted children is to stay together. Children who grow up with only one biological parent are twice as likely to drop out of college and are less likely to get top marks and are more likely to get into trouble with the law.

Remember, all the points mentioned above in bringing up good children become more easier to follow when there are two adults in the household. So, stay married.

Our children are the future of our families—and the world. How they will grow up will depend not just on the love parents and family members give them, but how everyday situations are tackled and how informed parents are about their child. So as parents we have to see that our child is functioning in a healthy manner and if he is not, we must help him understand his problem sensitively. Being harsh and unduly strict doesn’t help always and parents should not forget their own childhood — its trials and joys. So go ahead and bring up happy children, because no child is spoilt by birth but gets spoilt because we allow him to.

REFLECTIONS

Realise your own worth

* Set your goals by what you think is important, for you are the best judge of yourself.

* Don’t let time slip through your fingers. Take care of minutes, and the hours will take care of themselves.

* Never be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect. Learning ends only with life.

* Never compare yourself with anybody because you are special, a gift of God.

* Don’t take things for granted. Be grateful for small joys.