When former India cricketer Robin Uthappa wanted to die by suicide

New Delhi, August 20

Former India cricketer Robin Uthappa has once again felt the urgent need to speak about his battle with depression following the untimely death of ex-England batter Graham Thorpe, who took his own life earlier this month.

Speaking on his Youtube channel, Uthappa recalled the darkest days of his life between 2009 and 2011 when he contemplated suicide.

Besides Thorpe, former India pacer David Johnson died earlier this year after jumping from the fourth floor of his apartment.

"I'm gonna be talking about depression and suicide. And we've heard about multiple people who have, even recently, cricketers who've, ended their lives because of depression," said Uthappa.

"Even in the past, we've heard of athletes and cricketers who had clinical depression and tendencies of being suicidal. And I personally have been there as well. So I know for a fact that it's not a pretty journey. It is very challenging. It is debilitating. It is exhausting. And it is heavy."

Uthappa, who played 46 ODIs and 13 T20s for India, offered his condolences to Thorpe's family, having battled serious mental illness himself.

"That's how it feels. It's heavy, it's burdensome. And I often felt when I was going through clinical depression as a burden onto myself even. Forget the people around me. I felt I was... just going through life in a way that was... far from where I wanted to be and I had no answers.

"Life didn't feel sustainable. My heart goes out to Graham Thorpe and his family. I can't imagine what he went through to be able to do what he did. My prayers go out to his family, so as to David Johnson from India as well, similar circumstances."

Uthappa feels people from all walks of life are impacted by mental health including elite athletes like himself and Thorpe.

"How do you deal with it? What do you experience actually? I think even before getting to how do you deal with it? What does one experience? You feel like you're worthless.

"You feel like you're a burden to the people you love. You feel like absolutely hopeless and every step feels like heavier and heavier and heavier. You just feel immobile.

"I went through weeks and months, years of just not wanting to get out of the bed. I remember in 2011, I went the entire year so ashamed of who I'd become as a human being that I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. And I went all of 2011 just not looking myself in the mirror."       The Karnataka cricketer offered ways to deal with depression, indicating there is light at the end of the tunnel.

"But I just want to tell you that whatever it is, there is a way out of this. The first thing that one needs to do that is to acknowledge to yourself that yes there is something wrong." Living in denial won't help, stressed Uthappa.

"If we live in denial then it's going to be very hard to pull yourself out of that hole. You've got to acknowledge to yourself that I'm not feeling great, I'm feeling like this and I'm feeling everything that I'm feeling.

"Maybe a great way to do that would be to just pen down some notes. That's how I figured out that something's wrong with me.

"The second thing that one can do is speak to someone about it. Someone that you trust. Someone that you perhaps love. Just speak to them that this is how you feel. That you're not feeling okay.

"Because when you don't share what you're going through, what tends to happen is that it starts possessing a lot of power over you. The negative talk inside, that chatter inside becomes stronger and stronger and stronger."

Uthappa said seeking professional help goes a long way in helping one tackle mental illness.

"The third step would be to actually seek help from somebody. A good professional goes a long way. Ideally someone that you don't necessarily know.

"And how do you figure out if you're seeking help from the right person? Now that would be the fourth step. The fourth step is to figure out if you have got a good counsellor.

"Now who is a good counsellor? A good counsellor according to me is someone who doesn't offer you solutions but a good counsellor is someone who asks you the right questions and empowers you to figure out your own solutions.

"Because in that process of empowerment, your confidence slowly begins to build."