Relationships in lockdown: So close, yet so far

Aradhika Sharma

THE lockdown shrank our world. Offices and schools were shut, malls closed, travel ceased, shops shuttered and employees in formal and informal sectors sent home. Financial stress and an environment of uncertainty loomed large. The effects of the lockdown have been abiding. In some situations, it demanded that people lived together with their families, while in other cases, they were required to stay apart, and for longer periods from their friends and colleagues. But for a few states, the lockdown has finally been lifted to what is termed the ‘new normal’. This ‘new normal,’ however, has left its mark on interpersonal relationships — cementing some while leaving many cracked and broken.

Too close for comfort

It’s a no-brainer that the fallout of the pandemic has upended lives around the world. Ranvijay, who is on a work visa to Canada, was laid off from his job in a restaurant in Vancouver. Says Ranvijay, who belongs to Chandigarh, “All was bearable as I accepted the new way of life, knowing it was a matter of time before some semblance of normalcy was regained. The trying issue was that my flatmate, Barbara, with whom I used to get along just fine before the lockdown, became morose, snappy and impatient. She started suffering withdrawal symptoms due to lack of routine after following a ludicrously busy life. Staying cooped in the house without access to the outside world, cancelled travel plans and a long and monotonous distance from friends and colleagues was not easy to handle.”

Eventually, Ranvijay and Barbara sat together to discuss the problem and worked out a truce which they maintained through the rest of the lockdown. “We realised that although we shared the same flat, we had never really spent time together. Usually, one of us would be in, and the other would be at work or out with friends. For the first time, we really talked — and listened — to each other, watched some shows together, and even cooked sometimes. When the lockdown was lifted, I moved to a flat closer to my workplace. Barbara and I hang out occasionally now. I guess distance does make the heart grow fonder?” he smiles.

Feeling the pinch

The pandemic has brought about an enduring economic crisis resulting in the loss of jobs and livelihood. Besides financially, this has impacted many at the psychological level as well.

“Who, in our generation, ever imagined living through a pandemic? We were supposed to be the golden generation. The economy was booming, we were earning good salaries and our lifestyle comprised the frenetic schedule of working all hours, travelling, eating out, adventure sports, shopping and stuff like that. And then one fine day, it was all over. Though we are into the unlockdown phase, things are no longer the same,” says Aruna Raje, a Mumbai-based graphic designer. “The anxiety after my husband Vikram lost his job strained things between us. Suddenly, the roles changed and I became the sole breadwinner of the family.

“I resented this change. Even though, Vikram took on the responsibility of household work and supervised the home schooling of our daughter Shaina, besides made sure that I worked undisturbed, I still didn’t feel grateful or love towards him. The sad bit is that even he sensed this, and felt guilty.”

“Post-lockdown, Vikram still hasn’t found a job. I’m working from home. The pandemic has scarred our relationship, and it’s going to take me a long time to get comfortable with the situation,” Aruna says, sadly.

Strings that strain

When we shut the doors of our living spaces, hoping to block out the dreaded virus, we also, unwillingly, locked out our friends, colleagues and neighbours. While some couples had to invent innovative ways to deal with too much of each other, many had too little of their significant other.

“Priya and I have been working in the same company for two years. We started going out a few months back. When the lockdown was announced, she went to stay at her parents’ house and has been working from home. Initially, we would face time, text or talk a lot but gradually communication become much less, and now, it just doesn’t seem important any longer. I guess, if we had been together, some long-term commitment may have happened, but as of now, I’m in a good place,” says Deepak Dixit, a manager, procurement, in a corporate firm.

Unfortunately, some marriages may not survive the lockdown. Just like the case of Cheryl and her husband, Murthy, who are exploring getting divorced since the lockdown opened. “He started to irk me with his demanding and messy ways,” complains Cheryl. “Catering to him, tending to household chores without the maid, besides dealing with increased work pressure from office drained me physically as well as mentally. Things became so bad between us that we started following social distancing norms even in our bedrooms. Post-lockdown, I’ve contacted a lawyer to explore the option of divorce.”

The new normal

The new corona-induced realities of the loss of independence and fear of the disease and death has cruelly stripped us of the confidence we had in the ‘usual’. The definition of ‘normal’ has changed with dizzying frequency.

For some, the fallout of this has been a changed attitude towards people. Post-lockdown, caution has widely varying meanings for people. Whereas some are comfortable meeting friends and colleagues, going out for shopping, compromising on adequate sanitisation and not wearing masks, others are bordering on paranoia in their public and private dealings, preferring to lock themselves away voluntarily.

For instance, 58-year-old Amanat Singh, who has always been quite outgoing, now “doesn’t feel like stepping out of the house.” He says. “I’ve discovered the joys of using technology, rediscovered hobbies and am more attuned to nature. I go out for a run in the morning, meet a few, select friends but would I go back to being a social person again? Doubtful! Firstly, because I’m experiencing a decreased desire for social interaction, and secondly, because I’m just too scared.”

According to Chandigarh-based psychiatrist Dr Ashwin Mohan, lockdown-related behaviours will, in many cases, continue post-lockdown. “Social and work relationships, besides friendships would be impacted, firstly because of the Covid-induced fear, and secondly, because there is no mandate to pursue such relationships.”

Paw perfect

A heart-warming effect of the lockdown has been the relationships that many have developed with street dogs. Almost every dog in every neighbourhood street seems to have a collar around his neck, a name (sometimes more than one), is given food and petted. Suman, a student, has developed a special bond with a street dog whom she named Brownie. Mousy-coloured, skinny with the scraggliest tail a dog could have, Brownie adores Suman, and often accompanies her to the milk booth. She rewards giving him biscuits, besides his evening meal. She also makes sure that there’s always fresh water for him to drink.

Like Brownie, there are many such dogs like Maggie, Cheeni, Blackie, Hunter, Salman, who’ve discovered that humans can be kind. Homeowners have found neighbourhood friends, who love them unconditionally, Covid or no Covid!

When the going gets tough…

As beautiful and fun staying together under lockdown may seem in the beginning, the excitement wears off with time. Here are some tips to strengthen relationships in such times:

• Share work: Don’t expect only one person to do all household chores. Sharing is caring, in more ways than one. Children should be given their share of chores too. They can help in laying the table, folding clothes, brushing the dog, watering the plants, etc.
• Together activities: Find shared interests like cooking together, watching movies, working out together, playing board games. Be imaginative.
• Give each other some alone time: Even in a family, everyone needs some time to be alone to do their own thing, especially when proximity is forced on you.
• Communicate & empathise: Listen, really listen, to your partner. Hear each other out as you express your fears and worries; don’t forget to appreciate one another.
• Make up after a fight: If you leave a fight hanging for too long, things will start to fester. Remember, with your limited access to other people, you might as well make up sooner and start enjoying life again.