You know you are good!

Abha Chaudhary 

Approaching people sometimes can be extremely intimidating. But one can overcome this fear.

There are times when you find yourself at a meeting, standing around alone wishing you could approach that person! Or, maybe you’re at a networking event and you really want to speak to a VIP, but then you just talk yourself out of it. You think, what’s the point? It won’t go well. I’m not good enough. We’ve all been there. Our nerves get the best of us, our confidence takes a shot and we just can’t seem to muster up what we need to make connections we really want to make.

As a communication coach, I’ve learned that your confidence and social skills are highly intertwined. Think about it – doesn’t it feel good when you make someone laugh or you approach a stranger and have an awesome conversation?

Conversely, doesn’t it feel hopeless when you’re bullied or feel left out? When that happens you tend to take less “social risks,” fear builds up because you don’t want to feel that way again. So, you try to hold back what you want to express because you feel you would not do it well. Being vulnerable is scary and when you foresee rejection or ridicule –you choose to not speak up. 

Approaching people, who you find intriguing, can be extremely intimidating. When you feel the urge to approach someone you may find that inner voice beating yourself up over little things or causing self-doubt that you’re not good enough or how the interaction will go wrong. The man may reject you, the VIP may not think you’re worth his time, that co-worker you pass in the hallway may not smile back. Hushing that inner critic and taking that first step takes a leap of faith and confidence. 

Play act

Try the power of visualization –a practice that top athletes and performers would vouch for as a way to win and perform at peak levels. Visualise yourself accomplishing something that intimidates you. It motivates the brain to get you to do it. Remember, the stories and narratives you tell yourself become who you are. In order to build your confidence, you have to master your story by gaining control over that inner voice. If you’re telling yourself you’re not good enough, you’ll convince yourself of this and never become the best version of the person you can be.

Living in the moment

Staying present means being completely absorbed in the moment. This would help you to listen attentively and respond impressively. In order to convey confidence, you have to control what is going on in your head. What goes on in your head is directly reflected in your verbal and nonverbal cues. If you’re distracted or nervous, you will find yourself fidgeting or using a lot of “uhs” and “ums” when speaking.

Small talk means big

The mistake that most of us make is that we’re so obsessed with ourselves that we forget to build trust by genuinely trying to learn about someone else. I recommend using and polishing your small talk skills. As a communication coach, I always hear people complain about how small talk is a nightmare and how nervous they get while conversing with strangers. Small talk is nothing but your artful blend of humour, wit, presence of mind and warmth. Be dialogic. It conveys trust and warmth. Giving other people the chance to speak first and “have the floor” establishes trust and allows them to feel comfortable. Find out what the person you’re speaking to is interested in and what their passions are. You would be amazed at how the person is delighted to converse with you. And to make the other person feel comfortable and important is the essence of good etiquette. Isn’t it?

(Chaudhary is a Chandigarh-based image and style consultant)