Self before others...
Renee Singh
Am I shy of being myself or am I wary of projecting who I am truly within? Is social acceptance such a huge issue with me that it makes me wear a mask all the time? Keeping up appearances does inevitably take a toll on us. We need to first and foremost accept our own selves, if we are seeking true happiness. We need not to be embarrassed about feeling differently from the crowd.
Social conformity
We normally just go along with the tide. We can sense an inner sense of rebellion but we tend to quieten that voice as a sense of social conformity exists at a very high level within us.
Embrace assertiveness
This can actually be explained as an ability to express oneself, to not allow our inner selves to be inhibited. To be appropriately open and honest. To project one’s own persona objectively. This feeling also comes to us with an increased feeling of self awareness, due to honest self acceptance. To some people assertiveness comes naturally but those who are shy and inhibited, it can be a learnt skill.
Assertiveness versus aggressiveness
A lot of times people will confuse the two, but this is not correct, they are completely different. Aggressiveness is disrespectful, manipulative and abusive. People here tend to make negative assumptions about other people’s motives and start relating accordingly. This creates unnecessary conflict. Passive individuals fearing the conflict let their needs get suppressed. In order to maintain peace, they let others win. The smart and sensible attitude would be to avoid conflict, but be firm in your convictions and attitude. Do not allow suppressed feelings to accumulate.
Benefits of assertiveness
Aggressiveness alienates others, whereas assertiveness creates a calm bridge between our feelings and actions.
Passive approach
Avoiding conflict by avoiding to communicate one’s needs and feelings is damaging in the long run as it leads to failed relationships. A constant suppression of feelings leads to pent up anger, this in turn comes up as a burst of aggression.
Be more assertive
It is imperative to take stock of one’s own emotional state and responses to situations in relationships. Interpersonal conflict leads to stress overload.
Strengthen relationships
Assertive communication can strengthen relationships, reduce stress from conflict and give the comfort of social support.
Promote balance
Assertiveness can help in understanding difficult relationships, specially amongst closer people, difficult family members, friends and colleagues.
Get closer
Once you make peace by acceptance of each other’s persona, you relax and get happy.
- Passivity leads to resentment
- Aggression leads to hurt feelings
- The trick is to maintain a balance
Be non-judgemental
Don’t exaggerate, label or judge. Being factual is imperative.
Maintain boundaries
If you know how to deal with your own emotions, you will naturally respect the other person’s boundaries. Be pleasant in your approach to others. Try to reach them with love. A calm peaceful but firm approach works very well. Watch your relationships thrive and grow in this environment and watch the stress disappear from your life.
Enjoy your new relaxed state.
(Singh is a Chandigarh-based psychotherapist)
