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When we think of grandparents nowadays, the picture that comes to our minds is that of a smart, English-speaking man who drives his grandkids out for a burger treat or a stylish grandma who hardly looks like one. Well! It’s not just the picture that has evolved, but also their roles being played in the modern Indian family.
In most cases, with both the parents working, the dynamics of the Indian family system are again moving towards the joint family set-up where the grandparents have once again become an important part of the family. "It has been a blessing for me that my husband’s parents shifted base and came to stay with us by the time my first child was born. It is only because of this reason that I have continued to work as I was not at all comfortable with leaving my child with a maid or in a daycare," shares Sheetal Malhotra, team leader at a leading software company in Mohali. The roots of the shift might be need-based but nevertheless, it gives a chance to the grandparents to feel wanted, contribute and be part of the family in a happy way. It also helps them renew their confidence and a sense of purposefulness in life. A study by the American Sociological Association says that "If a grandparent gets help, but can’t give it, he or she feels bad." It goes on to indicate that being able to contribute in some way may actually help their psychological well-being and lead to fewer symptoms of depression in both grandparents and grandchildren. There is a famous saying in our culture to denote the fondness in the hearts of the grandparents which says that the interest is dearer to a person than the principal amount. They tend to have an easygoing approach towards the process as they have ‘been there, done that’. The tough task of disciplining and formally educating the child mostly remains with the parents; grandparents have a tendency to pamper the child. "I would say that grandparents can even end up spoiling the child. As parents, we sometimes decide to discipline our daughter by not buying certain things that she insists upon. We had once created a rule in the house that only one glass of an aerated drink will be given to our daughter Shreya. But we later realised that her dadu-dadi had been treating her for the entire week," rues Sumedha Gupta, an IT professional living in Bangalore.
This also means that the children tend to listen to their grandparents more as their interactions are more friendly and amicable just by the virtue of the nature of their relationship. This can give rise to insecurities in the minds of the parents. Also, the approach towards care giving and parenting can differ from one individual to another especially with the difference in generations. If not worked in tandem, these can cause rifts in relationships. "It’s not that rosy a picture as one would want to believe because this return of joint family system has been due to a selfish reason of career-conscious parents wanting a safe option for their children. Once the children have grown up and grandparents outlive their usefulness, the picture changes its colour. This is when the grandparents lose their importance in many households and are looked upon as too interfering and burdensome", warns Sherry Sabbarwal, Professor, Department of Sociology, Panjab University, Chandigarh. By looking at this ‘arrangement’ as devoid of any emotion, one begins to understand the other shades of the picture as well. We all know of cases where the grandfather and the grandmother are asked to live separately by their children. This culture could increase with the ‘practical’ need of the presence of at least one grandparent in every house. Looks like, the core of every relationship remains trust and care. As long as it is intact, all is well, independent of how the outer dynamics of the relationships change. With these positive emotions, the practical side will only prove to be a cherry on the cake. A word of caution 1 Parents should not take it as purely a practical decision to ‘keep’ their parents with them and start avoiding them when their needs are fulfilled. 2 Parents must understand the unique perspectives to care giving that are brought in with the experience. 3 Parents must understand that grandparents also need some time off after taking care of the child for the whole week. Their convenience and interests must also be catered to. 4 Grandparents should support the parents’ decision in front of their grandchildren to ensure that a parent’s authority is never undermined. 5 Do not over judge the parents’ style of parenting. Remember your own days when you had to try various techniques and approaches to arrive at the best one. 6 Grandparents should not forget to give their children a pat on the back when they feel that they have been good parents. A word of encouragement never hurts anybody. 7 Most importantly, enjoy and value the moments that you get to spend with your grandchildren without worrying too much about the future.
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