Mum’s the word, no always the last word
Reviewed by Aruti Nayar

The Mother-in-Law: The Other Woman in Your Marriage
by Veena Venugopal
Penguin Books. Pages 254. Rs 299

If one thought that relationship between the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law had evolved in 21st century India and moved on to become one with more empathy, you can think again. Veena Venugopal, the editor of Blink in the Hindu Businessline, zeroes in on a much-talked about relationship and let's her case studies do the showing and telling both.

That Mummyji occupies not only the mindspace but also dominates lives of the son, bahu and is gleefully hypocritical enough to apply blatant double standards, is well known. Whether you are a Punjabi, Bengali, Sindhi, Delhi-ite, Mumbaikar or even an Austrian, it is the mother-in-law who not only lays down the law but also sees that the daughter-in-law does not cross the line of control. Any deviance is reprimanded and punishment doled out by sulking, withdrawal of affection or simply by staging a full-blown tantrum.

The real-life accounts of all the girls/women make you want to run away. Well-narrated, the claustrophobia is palpable. One also cannot help wondering if the Indian man will always remain a boy who cannot negotiate the minefield that is the loaded relationship between the woman who gave birth to him and the one he chooses (heaven help him if this is the case) or is chosen to for him. Not many even try to mediate but hide behind their phones or the television, hoping things will sort themselves out. Whether it is running down the bahu's looks, cooking, wedding arrangements, dress code or the fact that she is working, the daughter-in-law's sole aim in life is to please Mummyji or strategise to cope with her capriciousness. The spirit is snuffed out of feisty young girls as Momma's all-pervasive presence looms over their lives. And one had thought only soap operas had such caricatures.

If Rachna in "How I met my mother-in-law," appears wedded to Auntyji, who cultivated her painstakingly for her darling son Gaurav, it is because he is indifferent and allows mama to steer his life. Deepa's Neeta Aunty metamorphoses from the coolest mom to a harridan who herself wears bikinis but does not allow the daughter-in-law to even wear jeans. While Anshika has to fight to get a kitchen of her own, an illness drives out Deepa from a marriage in which there is no trust and even less love.

The emphasis is on giving each other space for a healthy mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship. Thinkstock

In this battle of wits and war of attrition, the son/husband sits on the fulcrum of the see-saw. Whether the boy is from the London School of Business or a much-travelled businessman or even a corporate honcho, he is putty in the hands of Mummyji and subject to emotional blackmail. One feels amused, sad and enraged by turns at the manner in which men have been depotentiated or are allowing themselves to be treated like mere puppets.

Indian boys have a lot of growing up to do and the reason for moms' stranglehold is the son-fixation of Indian mothers who have internalised the myth of male superiority and will go to any length to control the lives of their sons.

Of all the couples that the author has detailed, only Srini, a Tam Bram corporate honcho has the maturity and wisdom to have "a head that is only his," the others' lives are held to ransom by Mummyji who will cry, bully, yell and lash out to have things her own way. Some gladly wear their umbilical chord like a bow tie and willingly pander to Mummyji.

The turf for the warring factions varies from the kitchen to child-rearing practices to the daughter-in-law's career to her parents lack of manners and, of course, religion. Control is the key word and control ke liye mom-in-law kuch bhi karegi, be it filling up the son's ears to bullying the daughter-in-law in private and being sweetness personified in public.

Venugopal's writing is engaging and she has a way with words, which she uses effectively. What makes the book riveting is how she brings to life each character by describing their expressions and dwells on what they do not say. She even decodes their expressions in Facebook pictures with a rare perceptiveness and brings to the table a blend of humour, irony and and insight. One case study shows that even daughters-in-law who have faced regimentation themselves turn into equally obnoxious mothers-in-law but atleast that awareness makes the change.

It is surprising that even a publisher like Penguin can be slip shod. In the book, towards the end. Chapter 11 is repeated. A must-read for not only brides-to-be but also prospective mothers-in-law so that they can stop smothering their sons.

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