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Webside humour As the old man lies dying in the bedroom, out in the parlour the family discusses funeral arrangements. The son says, “We’ll make a real big thing out of it. We’ll have five hundred people. We’ll order fifty limos.” The daughter says, “Why do you want to waste money like that? We’ll have the family and maybe a few friends. One limo just for us.” They proceed. The grandson says, “We’ll have a lot of flowers. We’ll surround him with dozens of roses and lilies, dozens and dozens.” Another daughter says, “What a waste! We’ll have one little bouquet, that’s enough.” Suddenly, the voice of the old man is heard, wafting weakly from the bedroom, “Why don’t you get me my sleepers? I’ll walk to the cemetery.”
Opinionated At the clothing store a smart salesman was habitual of giving the customers his unvarnished opinion. One day, when a man emerged from the fitting room, the salesman took one look at him and shook his head. “No, no,” he said. “Those jeans look terrible on you. I’ll go get you another pair.” As he walked away, he heard the customer mumble, “I was trying on the shirt.”
Austerity measures Linda and Marion were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business. “I started a new practice last year,” Linda said. “I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months.” “Why in the world would you do that?” Marion asked. “It’s the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without,” Linda said.
Crazy vs stupid Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat. While Jones is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which Jones was keeping the lug nuts. the nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain. Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing. “Hey, pal! Why don’t you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels? That’ll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage or something.” Jones is startled by the patient’s seeming rationality, but realizes the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident. Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. “You know, that was pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?” The patient smiles and says, “I’m in here because I’m crazy, not because I’m stupid.”
Faxed Voice mail was the man’s sworn enemy. He never really understood how it worked. Finally he broke down and called the office operator to get instructions. “I can send you an instruction sheet,” the operator offered. “Great, fax it right over.” “Sure thing,” the operator replied, “but fax it right back. It’s my only copy.”
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