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A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Peter.” “Who?”
“Peter Higgins!, the guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Peter every single time.” “There are always a few clouds over everybody.” “No, not Peter. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star.” “He was something, huh?” “He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out.” “No wonder you remember him.” “Well, I never actually met Peter.” “Then how do you know so much about him?” “I married his widow.” Shoe relief A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of shoes, size 8. The obviously well trained salesman says, “But sir, you take an 10 or ten-and-a-half.” “Just bring me a size eight!” the man replies. The sales guy brings them and the man stuffs his feet into them and stands up in obvious pain. He turns to the salesman and says, “I’ve lost my house because of foreclosure, I live with my mother-in-law, my daughter ran off with my best friend, and my business suffered huge loss. The only pleasure I have left is to come home at night and take my shoes off.” Game sickness Finally, the good-natured boss was compelled to call Smith into his office. “It has not escaped my attention,” he pointed out, “that every time there’s a home game at the stadium, you have to take your aunt to the doctor.” “You know you’re right, sir,” exclaimed Smith. “I didn’t realise it. You don’t suppose she’s faking, do you?” Signature move Mr Schwartz was the oldest of seven children, so he had to quit school and work to help support his younger brothers and sisters. He never learned to write, so when he married and started a checking account, he signed his checks simply “XX”. Eventually he started his own business, which immediately prospered. He soon was a very rich man. One day, he got a call from his bank. “Mr Schwartz,” said the banker, “I need to ask you about this check. We weren’t sure you had really signed it. All these years you’ve been signing your checks ‘XX’, but we just got one that was signed with three XXX’s...” Mr Schwartz answered, “No problem, my friend. It’s just that since I’ve become so wealthy, my wife thought I ought to have a middle name.” Helping tongue Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked by her former employer, she answered, “I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!”
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