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The word 'step' is often affixed to describe relationships other than biological. For all of us fed on Cindrella stories and introduced to the Kakeyi fable in early childhood, a step family can never ever be a happy one. We reinforce and feed stereotypes of the stepmother as vicious and revengeful, never affectionate. Headlines such as "mother catches stepfather raping 11-year-old girl" and "stepfather held for raping 21-year-old girl" only add fuel to the fire.
But take a break. As divorce rates increase, (some statistics suggest a 100 per cent jump in five years between 2006 and 2011) and remarriages become a norm rather than an exception, believe it or not more and more families with step parents are cutting a happy family picture. The rosy picture is not just for effect to be hung in the bedroom walls but runs deeper, beneath the surface. So what if these new parents have not given birth to these children? They are increasingly playing a significant role in the lives of their stepchildren. Guiding beacons Radha Banerjee, a 21-year-old engineering student, turns to her stepfather each time a crisis knocks at the doors of her young life. Small wonder for her, he is a pillar of strength, the man she invariably seeks for guidance. She gushes, "What's best is dad is never too busy to take my call." Pampering her silly? She insists he is giving her the right values to help her tackle moral and social dilemmas. Daddy dearest is not only proud of the intelligent stepdaughter but often confesses to the wife how he loves his stepdaughter more than his biological offspring. Such examples abound. Consultant psychiatrist Dr Simmi Waraich, who grew up with a doting stepdad, feels step-parents are often less negative than actual parents and know how to talk to the child. Besides her personal experience, even in her professional capacity, she has come across many well-adjusted children who are accepted and cared for. True acceptance Fashion designer Rekha Bhardwaj's spouse, and now father to her two children from a previous marriage, didn't even care about having his own children. As the four of them lead as normal a life as any family can wish and hope for, the young daughter Ridhima says, "He is a generous father who will go out of the way for me and my brother." She can't compare him to her biological father as she never cared much for him and has no sweet memories of her real father. With her step-parent, life is full of so many happy moments that she can't single out any one. There was a time when she couldn't decide which book to buy and he bought her the entire collection. Then the Barbie doll she had been secretly eyeing in the shopping window came to her along with the complete paraphernalia of a dollhouse. But to the mature wise girl, it's not these gestures of generosity that matter. From day one both she and her brother were taken into the family fold and sent on a trip to meet their new father's brother. Besides, the defining moment came when she and her brother attended their mother's wedding ceremony. She says with a hint of pride, "The realisation that my stepfather wasn't a wee bit embarrassed by us and never hid us from his friends and family made me feel truly accepted." Lows and highs Interestingly, while parents might accept the children of their new partners immediately, children take their own sweet time to come to terms with the presence of the new parent stepping into the shoes of the biological one. Radha was a wee bit jealous of her father and it was only when her sister was born that she realised they were a complete family like any other. Transition neither comes easily nor overnight. Gautam Goyal, a 19-year-old youngster, is candid enough to reveal how badly the remarriage of his father affected him. His instant knee-jerk reaction was of rebellion and he even started taking drugs and alcohol. Today he calls his stepmother a friend who cares for him, cooks for him and even advises him on various issues both profound and trivial like which gym to join to tone up his body. Clearly for him and many other children, biology is just an accident and the real parent is synonymous with one who stands up for them. However, very often children are made aware of their unusual predicament not by the step parent but by society. Societal interference Sociologist Dr Rajesh Gill says, "Often problems in stepfamilies crop up when other family members like aunts and uncles make disparaging remarks." Indeed, family and friends can be insensitive and apathetic. Personally, Radha has no issues about telling the world she has a stepfather but as a rule keeps it to herself for people tend to judge. Ridhima recalls an incident when at her friend's birthday party she was asked uncomfortable questions about her parents, much to her consternation. Family support, insists Dr Waraich, is critical in order to make this relationship work. For some parents, remarriage can mean more than one extended family too. Take the case of Amit Sharma. Ever since his father remarried, he has not only enjoyed the love of his stepmom but also that of her brothers and sisters. For his wedding ceremony, his two maternal uncles (the real one and the step one) brought the traditional chhak. Such scenes might seem straight out of films but have been drawn from real life and are a reflection of new mores and increasing tolerance. New-age stepfather Dr Gill asserts, "What is more heartening than a stepmother owning up responsibility is that more men are accepting the children of their spouses." Indeed, unlike in the West, where the stepfather is more ubiquitous, in India children living with stepfathers is a recent phenomenon. Not too long ago, a woman with children looking at remarriage had little choice except to leave her children behind in the care of her parents. But, new step dads not only accept them as their own but in some cases like that of cricketer Anil Kumble, even fight for their custody. Kumble locked horns with his stepdaughter's real father and contested his custodial claim. Not so natural However, that is not to say everything is hunky-dory. Or just the way it is in a natural family. Dr Waraich advises that the relationship has to be given time. Even Gautam realises that his new mother, who has a daughter 10 years younger than him, can only learn bit by bit as to how to adapt to an older child. Undeniably, the fact remains that such families are different and have to adjust accordingly. Ridhima is well adjusted to her new situation and bears no ill-will towards her stepdad. Nevertheless, she knows theirs is an extraordinary family and hence constantly under watch. She goes out of the way to ensure that her behaviour is not construed as one of a child from a 'broken home." Does that mean these children carry an additional cross, an extra onus to prove themselves? The answers are not cut and dried. Such children can often be extra sensitive. Sanjana Agarwal can't take no from her step father. To be fair to her father Rajesh, he never scolds her, takes extra interest in her career prospects too and even goes cycling with her. But when it comes to money, he is more giving to his biological son than he is to the stepdaughter. Degree of discomfort Even in the best of relationships, the going is not easy. Considering that even celebrities are reluctant to go on record and share the highs and lows of their bond with step children, taking refuge in the remark, "We don't think of them as step children." It implies that certain degree of discomfort does exist in this relationship. This may not be the case at a personal level but most families can’t deal with it socially. Despite the instrumental role of stepparents, most such families chose to conceal their identity. This speaks volumes about the taboos that govern such relationships. Yet step is no more an ugly word, reason enough for an evolving society to say 'cheers'. Forging of new healthy bonds is an affirmation that we are not only learning to cope with but also slowly overcoming the Cindrella syndrome. As Radha puts it, "The bottomline is my parents are nice people and are giving me a good life." Step could only mean a step closer. Some names have been changed to protect identities
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Not so bleak
Here is a guide as to how to make it work