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House husband
He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?" The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts." "Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means." The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband." Useless Son: "Dad, did you go to Church when you were little?" Dad: "Yes son, every single Sunday." Son: "I thought so. Bet it won’t do me any good either." Personality test A man got himself a personality assessment work by paying $400. On reaching home he thought he should share the results with his wife and said: "Hi, honey. I just paid someone $400 to tell me what’s wrong with me." The wife said:" And based on that, considering we’ve been married 23 years, here’s the bill for $798,000." Cat on track A man hates his wife’s cat and decides to get rid of it by driving it 20 blocks from home and by dumping it. As he gets back home he sees the cat walking up the driveway so he drives the cat 40 blocks away and dumps it again. When he gets back, there once again is the cat wandering up the driveway. In the end, the husband drives the cat for miles and miles until he’s in the middle of a huge forest where he dumps it yet again. Three hours later his wife gets a call at home. "Darling", says her husband. "Is the cat there?" "Yes", says the wife. "Why?" "Just put him on the line will you?" says the husband. "I need directions!" Sentenced Teacher: "Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘I.’ Millie: "I is... Teacher (interrupting): "No, Millie! Always say, ‘I am.’" Millie: "All right...... ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’" Smiling tax A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS tax auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile." "Thank goodness," returned Mr Carr, with a giant grin on his face from ear to ear.`A0 "I thought you were going to ask me to pay with cash." Pessimism Two friends, one an optimist and the other a pessimist, could never quite agree on any topic of discussion. One day the optimist decided he had found a good way to pull his friend out of his continual pessimistic thinking. The optimist owned a hunting dog that could walk on water. His plan? Take the pessimist and a dog, who could play tricks, out duck hunting in a boat. They got out into the middle of the lake, and the optimist brought down a duck. The dog immediately walked out across the water, retrieved the duck, and walked back to the boat. The optimist looked at his pessimistic friend and said, "What do you think about that?" The pessimist replied, "That dog can’t swim, can he?
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A little girl and a
little boy were at day care. The girl approaches the boy and says,
"Hey Tommy, want to play house?"