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A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin. "Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great person." "Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too." Wish fulfilment An elderly couple would constantly argue about everything. The woman often ended the arguments by stating vociferously, "I'll dance on your grave ... I'll dance on your grave!" Well, sure enough, the man died first. His last request was that he be buried at sea. Beauty and age In an American history discussion group, the professor was trying to explain how societies ideal of beauty changes with time. "For example, he said, "take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five ft, one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's version of the contest?" The class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up, "Not very well." "Why is that?" Asked the professor. "For one thing," the student pointed out, "She'd be way too old." Doctor’s choice A man, who had just undergone a very complicated operation, kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache. Finally, his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it. The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic." Praying positions Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one. "No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to heaven." "You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor." The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas, " he interrupted, "the best praying I ever did was hanging upside down from a telephone pole." Chicken on the move Bernard was driving along a country road when and realised he had to make a phone call. He was miles from a pay phone so he decided to stop in at the next farmhouse he found. As he was approaching a house he noticed a three-legged chicken racing along the road. He followed the chicken and clocked it at 40 m.p.h. Well, when Bernie got to the farmhouse he asked the farmer about this wonderful chicken. The farmer replied, "Well now, when I was at the college I took up a studying at there genetics. 'Round here we love chicken and we're all mighty partial to the drumstick, so I thought I'd see if I could make me a three-legged chicken. So, there it is." Now Bernie was quite impressed. He asked, "How does it taste?" The farmer replied, "Well, I don't know. Couldn’t catch even a single one yet." Hole-in-one A man came home from the office and found his new bride sobbing convulsively. "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers." "Oh, just forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit." "Yes, I know. And it's lucky you have!" said the woman, drying her eyes. "I was able to use a piece from them to patch the hole!
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