SOCIETY
Men-talities

Despite the market's attempt to cocoon souls in their self-enclosed mesh, men and women are actually meant to love, not hate each other. They need each other to foster nurturing relationships 
Brian Mendon

Relations between men and women, if tenuous before, are even more fragile today. With the hype on individuality and the consumerist boom promoting a panacea of possessions, more men and women have been seduced by the spiel to end up single, unhappy and lonely. Rather than realising that men and women need each other to foster supportive, nurturing relationships, the sexes have widened the abyss between them in the 21st century. Marriages are floundering due to lack of adjustment. Many who are not married as yet don't want to get into it. Ostrich-like they bury themselves further in their work.

There have been protests demanding justice for women. Many men hitting middle age will avidly discuss incidents — almost vicariously — but balk at joining in a silent march for women's rights. "It’s a women's issue," some men feel — the same men who are conspicuously absent in rallies for gender equality.

On Valentine's Day, students in a women's college in Goa danced for the online movement "1 billion rising." Earlier on a rally was taken out to protest the Delhi rape. In both cases the activity was sans men. One gent actually ran out of the room during V- Day protesting that the music on the intercom was too loud! Is this apathy endemic? The irony is that participation by men at women’s rallies may itself be seen as suspect. So what are males to do? How to bridge this trust deficit? How to overcome the unwarranted generalisation, though seductive, that all men are predators?

The skirt walk in Bangalore, promoted on Facebook, raised awareness to contest the view that women invite violence for what they wear. The 25 men who donned skirts were all young professionals who cared a damn for what people thought. What they wanted was change and believed they were agents to bring this about. Social networking platforms were the new mantra. Can this new brigade turn the tide for India? For today’s youth, it would seem sexuality is out there in the open. The brazen display of the illicit on a ramp walk, gives men, and women, confused notions of what it means to be "with it" or left behind. Do women want intimacy, or sex, or both?

What is most important is appreciation for each other. We were in a tizzy to catch a sitar recital of Ustad Chhote Rahimat Khan at Carpe Diem Art and Learning centre, Majorda, Goa. I disappeared for a bath. When I had finished Queenie was still combing her hair! "Oh, come on, ma," I said, but meant "Is that all you were doing all this time?!’ A pause followed. Then Queenie said something like, "I kept the food out for dad; changed baba's clothes; packed his baby bag, prepared his meal and hunted for his sipper."' After doing all these things she had resumed combing her hair. As I gratefully scooped our two-year old tot in my arms, I felt infinitely blessed for the gift of Queenie in my life.

"How to date a 19-year-old, insatiable, up-all-night bombshell, by a 47-year-old, separated father of two" screams the title of an article (with sultry pix) in a recent GQ. Let's get real. Even if "House of Harlot" is an uber- cool brand name in Vogue. Life is not a fantasy. At social functions all the songs the young are dancing to valorize sex. "Sexy laidaaay" goes the South (?) Korean super-hit thumping away. Romance is pass`E9. Vacant tables for two yawned at us when we went for the Valentine's Day special hosted by a beach resort on a candle-lit dusk. The music was good, and the food passable and one could hold hands. Despite the market's attempt to cocoon souls in their mesh, men and women are actually meant to love not hate each other — or ignore each other for that matter.

— The writer is a Goa-based poet and writer

How he should reach out to her
Nishit Lal

Both women and men have been made from the same thread. They are connected and they are one. Lesser do we know that there is a man in every woman and the woman in every man. In situations, the man can see the reflection of a woman and the woman can see the reflection of her inner man. Take the role of a father and that of a mother. The job of a father is to guard and defend, while the job of the mother is to raise and nurture. At times, you will see that roles are being swapped. The father would raise and the mother would protect. Life is full of examples of single mothers playing the role of both father and mother.

The great drama of life occurs when the world doesn't recognise it. They fail to validate the oneness because the world believes in absolute thinking. We are told: If you are a man, behave like a man, if you are a woman, then behave like a woman. Individuals tend to ignore that the opposite sex resides within them. It is a part of their personality, and to ignore the part means ignoring the personality. If you ignore the woman inside you, how would you connect with the women outside? Life begins inside and then manifests on the outside.

Men have failed to establish the right relationship with the woman. They are moving from one to the other to the next to find the right woman for a relationship and they have failed miserably. It is happening because they have ignored the woman who is inside them. To recognise the woman inside can open the door to a lovely relationship. Once you have a good relationship with yourself, you can have a good relationship with others. Relationship is not something that is static, it’s not a task that has to be done, rather it is a continuous process of relating. A man has to invest his most precious resource, that is "time" and the woman too would have to invest her most precious resource "care" continuously throughout the journey. That is relating. Women too face a challenge, whether to listen to the woman or the man inside. When there is a dissonance, trouble arises in the process of relating. A woman may behave like a man or woman in different situations, and in the process compliments the relationship. A man loves to be with a woman with the greatest variability, who can be as calm as a mother and strong as a father. A man expects a lot from the woman, and in the process the second drama of the world comes by. The woman forgets what role to play at what time, she is confused with too many expectations. Too much has been asked from a woman, it’s time that the man too begins to play his two roles: That of a father and the mother. The great transition is happening where fathers are becoming mothers and vice versa. "Ask and you shall receive" was the slogan of the past, the new one is: "Give and you shall receive". It’s time that both men and women come together and give to each other the part that is missing in each other, it’s time that they both stop asking, it’s time that they complement each other and it’s time that they begin the process of relating to each other.
— The writer is a corporate trainer and life coach

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