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A wife texts her husband on a cold morning: "Windows frozen." Her husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it." The wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer completely messed up now." Womanly lashings A man loses his tongue in an accident. A plastic surgeon he consults tells him that tongue transplants are still in the testing stage, but he will do what he can. The man undergoes the operation, and, after examining him, the doctor tells him everything seems to have gone well, and he seems pleased with his work. The next day, however, the man calls the plastic surgeon in a rage. "You know what you did?" he screams. "You gave me a woman's tongue." "Well," says the surgeon, "a tongue is a tongue. What's wrong?" "Are you kidding? I can't stop talking about my feelings, criticising my wife, bossing her around..." Cheesy road A friend and I were driving in the country looking for an address. We found the town, but we couldn't locate the road. We drove to the police station. They'd never heard of the road. Neither had the Fire Department. We went to City Hall, where a community get- together was going on. We consulted a map, with no luck, until finally we happened to ask one young man who knew exactly where the street was. He pointed to the map, showing us exactly how to get there. I said, "Thank you. Are you with the Police? Or the Fire Department?" "Neither. I deliver pizzas." Professional help A woman received a phone call that her daughter had fever. She left work and stopped by the pharmacy for some medication for her daughter. When she returned to her car she was dismayed to find she had locked her keys inside. Feeling quite helpless, she bowed her head and asked God for help. Almost immediately an old rusty car pulled up, driven by a dirty, greasy, bearded man with a rag on his head. The man got out of his car and asked if he could help. "Yes, my daughter is very sick," the woman replied. "I must get home to her with this medicine, but I can't because I locked my keys in the car. Is there any way you can use this hanger to unlock my car?" The man walked over to the car and in seconds the car was opened. Almost in tears, the woman expressed her appreciation. "Thank you so much. You are such a very nice man, and an answer to my prayers!" The man replied, "Lady, I ain't a nice man. I just got out of prison for car theft." In even greater appreciation, the woman cried out loud, "THANK YOU FOR SENDING ME A PROFESSIONAL!" On deathbed A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office for his checkup. Afterwards, the doctor took his wife aside and said, "Unless you do the following things, your husband will surely die." The doctor then went on to say, "Here's what you need to do. Every morning make sure you serve him a good healthy breakfast. Meet him at home each day for lunch so that you can serve him a well balanced meal. Make sure that you feed him a good hot meal each evening and don't overburden him with any stressful conversation, nor ask him to perform any household chores. Also, keep the house spotless and clean so that he doesn't get exposed to any threatening germs. "On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said.She replied, "He said that you're going to die."
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Screening cold