Webside humour
Parroting trouble

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it’s not the same hat."

"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table."

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything; it was, after all, the captain’s parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day without any help coming their way.

Finally the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Now please tell me where’s the ship?"

Driving nuts

A man approached a local person in a village he was visiting.

"What’s the quickest way to York?"

The local scratched his head.

"Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.

"I’m driving."

"That’s the quickest way!"

Sneeze freeze

The young lady said to Grandpa, "I noticed that when you sneeze, you’ve learned to put your hand in front of your mouth."

"Of course," explained Grandpa. "How else can I catch my teeth?"

Namesake

The doctor took his patient into the room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."

The patient said, "Give me the good news."

"They’re going to name a disease after you."

Compulsive chatter

A man offered to drive his mother-in-law to the doctor. But when he arrived at her house, he found her gossiping away with a neighbour.

"Mom, we’ve got to go," he interjected, but she couldn’t hear him over the chatter.

Finally, he had to take her by the arm and lead her away. When they got in the car, she apologised. "Sorry, but I didn’t know what to do. That woman wouldn’t stop listening to me."

My daddy fastest

Three boys were heading home from school one day when one started the time-honoured game of paternal one-upmanship. He said, "My dad’s way faster than any of yours, he can throw a 90-mph fastball from the pitcher’s mound and run and catch it just after it crosses the plate!" One of the other boys said, "Oh yeah? Well, my dad can shoot an arrow from his bow and run to the target and hold it up to make sure the arrow hits the bull’s eye!" The last boy said, "Your dads don’t even come close to being faster than mine. My dad works for the government, and even though he works every day until 5:00 he gets home at 4:30!"

HOME