WEBSIDE HUMOUR
Pleading guilty 

A woman goes to visit a fortune teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. “There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt — prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.” Visibly shaken, the woman stares at the fortune teller’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She takes deep breaths to compose herself. She meetst the fortune-teller’s gaze, steadies her voice, and asks: “Will I be found guilty?”

Illustration: Sandeep Joshi

Confused teacher
This little girl comes home from her first day at school and says announces, "I’m never going to school again!"

Her father asks why.

She says, "The teacher said 5+5 = 10. Then she said 6+4 = 10, and 7+3 = 10 and 8+2 = 10 and 9+1 = 10."

The father asks, "What’s your point?"

"She needs to make up her mind!"

Stumped
A man and his wife were making their first visit to doctor, the wife being pregnant with their first child. After the check-up was over, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink. The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp read, "When you can read this with naked eyes, come back and see me."

Wasted schooling
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I’m wasting my time," she told her mother. "I can’t read, I can’t write — and they won’t let me talk!"

Paying for flirting
The minister arose to address his congregation. "There is a certain man among us today who is flirting with another man’s wife. Unless he puts five dollars in the collection box, his name will be read from
the pulpit."

When the collection plate came in, there were 19 five-dollar bills, and a two-dollar bill with this note attached: "Other three dollars on payday."

Silent celebrations
Bill was a crotchety old fellow, who always had breakfast with his wife. He would read the morning paper while she fumed at his neglect, and today of all days because it was their 25th wedding anniversary.

She fumed, "Bill! Put down that paper and let’s talk about how we are going to celebrate our wedding anniversary today. What do you suggest?"

Bill put his newspaper down, removed and polished his glasses, stared for a moment into the distance, then said with a sigh, "How about two minutes of silence?"

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