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Teething troubles
A young man saw an elderly couple having lunch at McDonald’s. They had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, until each had half of them. Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, “Oh, no. We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.” The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, “Not yet. It’s HIS turn first with the teeth.” Just good friends The sailor came home from a two-year mission only to find his wife with a new-born baby. Furious, he was determined to know about the father so as to take revenge. “Was it my friend Sam?” he demanded. “No!” his weeping wife replied. “Was it my friend Jim then?” he asked. “NO!!” she said, even more upset. “Well, which one of my no-good friends did this then?” he asked. “Don’t you think I have any friends of my own?” she snapped. Puritanical purity A fellow in a bar notices a woman, who is always alone and come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he makes his move. “No, thank you.” she said politely. “This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I’m keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.” “That must be rather difficult,” the man replied. “Oh, I don’t mind too much,” she said. “But, it has my husband pretty upset.” Zoned out Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a criminal running towards the state of Georgia. When the suspect crossed over the Georgia line, the first trooper pulled over quickly. The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said, “Hey Sarge, why did you stop?’ The Sarge replied, “Stupid rookie, he’s in Georgia now. They’re an hour ahead of us, so we’ll never catch him.” Face-off Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, the teacher stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly the teacher said, “Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces it would stay like that.” Little Johnny looked up and replied, “Well you can’t say you weren’t warned.” Husband material Duck decoys, fishing rods, boots — outdoor gear of all kinds was piled high in the garage. One day the wife, staring at the mess, said: “I hope I die first, so I don’t have to get rid of all this,” she sighed. “Look on the bright side,” the husband suggested jokingly: “If I go first, you can put an ad in the paper. When all the men come by to check out the stuff, you can pick out a replacement for me.”
Still staring at the pile, she said, “Nah. Whoever would want all this stuff
wouldn’t be my type.”
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