Webside HUMOUR

A matter of will
When her late husband’s will was read, a widow learnt he had left the bulk of his fortune to another woman. Enraged, she rushed to change the inscription on her spouse’s tombstone.

"Sorry, lady," said the stonecutter. "I inscribed ‘Rest in Peace’ on your orders. I can’t change it now."

"Very well," she said grimly. "Just add, ‘Until We Meet Again’."

Dog tricks
A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.

"This is a very smart dog," the man commented.

"Not so smart," said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail."

Organic vegetables
A wife goes to the local market to buy some organic vegetables for her husband. She came back rather upset. When her husband asked her what was wrong, she said, "I don’t think I like that produce guy. I went and looked around for your organic vegetables and I couldn't find any. So I asked him where the organic vegetables were

He didn’t know what I was talking about so I said, "These vegetables are for my husband. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"

And he said, "No, ma’am. You’ll have to do that yourself."

Excess weight
"Now, what are you planning to do about that excess weight you’re carrying around?" the doctor asked the patient. "I just can’t seem to lose the weight," the patient said. "Must be an overactive thyroid."

"The tests show your thyroid is perfectly normal," the doctor said. "If anything is overactive, it’s your fork."

Useless advice
A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of a famous specialist.

"So who did you see before coming to me?" asked the doctor.

"My General Practitioner."

"Your GP?" scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of time. Tell me, what sort of useless advice did he give you?"

"He told me to come and see you."

Second cup
The courtroom was packed as testimony began in the sentencing hearing of a woman convicted of murdering her husband of 20 years by poisoning his coffee.

The defence attorney knew he had his work cut out for him in order to make his client appear more sympathetic to the judge, since she had been so "matter-of-fact" about the whole thing all during the trial.

"Mrs. Roth," he began, "was there any point that morning where you felt pity for your husband?"

"Well... yeah... I guess...", she replied.

"And when was that?" pressed the attorney.

"Well... when he asked for a second cup of coffee," she said.

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