THIS ABOVE ALL
Vanity publications
Khushwant Singh

I am dismayed to learn that some of the leading publication houses, including Penguin-Viking, with which I have been associated since it’s inception in India, have decided to publish books at the author’s expense. This was looked down upon as vanity publication because what the author wanted was to see his or her name appear on a book. The man who made his name as the principal publisher of vanity books was the late Professor P. Lal of Writers Workshop of Kolkata.

Publication houses should reverse their decision to publish books at the authors’ expense

His trademark was his beautiful calligraphy. I made it a point never to review any of his publications. So, apparently, did many other book reviewers. You seldom saw his publications in bookstores. When a reviewer receives a book, he first looks at the name of the author. If he does not know him, he looks at the name of the publisher. Not one of the leading publishing houses of India ever condescended to accepting money from authors to publish their books.

I can vouch for this from personal experience and from writer-friends that publishers like Penguin-Viking, HarperCollins, Random House, Oxford University Press, Rupa and handful of others never decided to being bribed by aspiring authors. Now they are willing to do so. I have no doubt in my mind they will lose faces with their readers. It may earn them more money to start with, but prove non-profitable in the long run. I think they should reverse their decision as soon as they can.

The Funny Old World has reproduced this column from my favourite entertaining Private Eye. "For many years I have been able to travel freely through the realms of earth, heaven and hell," Master Kek Eng Seng told a crowd of onlookers in Georgetown, Penang, "and now, for a small fee, I wish to share this ability with others. For the first time in Malaysia, I am offering people the opportunity to visit the ‘afterworld,’ on a guided tour that will last one hour and fifteen minutes.

"I will show you how your soul can leave your body and travel through whirlpools on the way to the next world. All are welcome on my hell tour, except pregnant women, those having their periods and those with unfavourable birth dates."

More than 50 people then took part in Master Kek’s hell tour, which involved prayers, rituals, blindfolds and attempts at astral projection, and was conducted in total darkness. Customer satisfaction was mixed. "I saw a rainbow hanging in a beautiful sky," said Chiang Kee Chauan afterwards, "and a deity who advised me to become a vegetarian."

Another woman added that she saw many people at a market, and also saw her departed mother, although she could not go near her or speak to her. However, a dozen reporters from Chinese newspapers failed to see anything, and after negotiations about a second tour broke down, Master Kek gave them their money back. (Malaysia Star).

Pious and sinful

There were two girls named Sita and Geeta. Sita was very pious and God fearing and visited temples regularly. But Geeta was quite the opposite. She used to change her boyfriends at regular intervals, enjoy parties and return home late at night.

One day news came that Geeta is no more. Bade Mian had called her. After a few months, Sita expired and went to heaven. After roaming for a few days in heaven, to her surprise she saw Geeta was also in heaven. She was shocked that Geeta, after committing so many sins on earth, was also in heaven.

She approached the security officer of the cell in heaven. "How can sinners like Geeta get a cell in heaven?" "Madam, we don’t apply any criteria here. Selection of heaven and hell is done on the basis of availability of cells either in hell or heaven."

Hearing these words, Sita started banging her head on walls of the cell and started crying violently. The security officer caught her and asked her the reason. She replied: "Sir, I was not aware of this."

(Contributed by Ramesh Kotian, Uchila, Udupi)

Telling a lie is a fault for a little boy, an art for a lover, an accomplishment for a bachelor and a matter of survival for a married man.

Trust is the most important part of a relationship. You must be 100 per cent confident that she won’t tell your wife.

(Courtesy: Vipin Buckshey, Delhi)