Bond with the BEST

There is no fun better and more unadulterated than men being all by themselves. They view friendships with other men as more fulfilling and bond best with each other. Does that mean men and women interact and connect at only one level, at best, the romantic and, at worst, the sexual? Nonika Singh finds out

"Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship." — Oscar Wilde

Just friends, who men and women? Are you kidding? Men and women, the two genders — are they polarised extremes or are they made for each other? From warring planets as Johny Gray, author of Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, would have us believe or inhabiting a common planet, Earth, as his detractors suggest. Either way, they meet on many platforms and in many relationships. But one ground that continues to elude them is friendship. For proof, walk into any party and you see men huddled in one corner, and women in another. An odd man that walks up and talks to a woman is either trying to be polite or flirting with her.

Since ancient times, men have viewed friendships with other men as more fulfilling

A woman may possess intelligence equal, if not more than equal, to her male counterpart`85 but if you thought men are interested in her intellectual abilities`85. go take a hike. And if you step into social get-togethers, the marked segregation of sexes would be laughable, were it not so painfully sexist.

It’s not only in ancient times that men viewed friendships with other men as more fulfilling; even today men bond better with men. It’s not just the Veeru-Jai jodi of yesteryear that swore by male friendship. The GenNext movie Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara reinforces this belief that there is no fun better and more unadulterated than men being all by themselves.

In contrast, in men-women associations in movies like When Harry Met Sally or our very own Kuch Kuch Hota Hai or the more recent Imran Khan- Genelia D’Souza starrer Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na, one discovers that beneath the friendship, invariably lurks love. In Bollywood, of course, "we are just friends" is the time-tested veneer beneath which the tell-all signs of a steaming love affair are all too visible.

In Bollywood, “we are just friends” is the time-tested veneer beneath which the tell-all signs of romance are visible

Does that mean men and women interact and connect at only one level, at best, the romantic and at worst the sexual? Dr Reicha Tanwar, Director, Women’s Studies, Research Centre, Kurukshetra University, while conceding that sexuality may stand in the way of friendship between members of the opposite sex, argues that it’s not always the case.

She strongly believes that at workplaces, friendships are formed on the basis of shared interests and sex of the other member is farthest away from the minds of both friends. Theatreperson and educationist Harleen Kohli feels between the considered response of men and their knee-jerk urges propelled by the natural law of attraction, lies the man’s dilemma on how to relate to a woman. She even calls it Adam’s burden, which perhaps obstructs man-woman friendship that, she admits, is a rare phenomenon. But she quips, "Why blame men alone for it", and adds, "women, too, fail to snap out of their "little princess" syndrome and want attention (often sexual, too) all the time and thus relationships end up being fraught with sexual tension."

But if you believe the notion that men and women can only meet in well-defined social bonds is an outdated concept that belongs to another era where mixing between sexes was taboo and men and women met only for procreation, listen to 27-year-old Sukhmani Kohli. A facilitator with young people, she, too, doesn’t deny that by and large boy-girl relationships bristle with sexual tension. In fact, she confesses that a majority of her friendships with male friends have begun with crushes. What is even more baffling, she divulges, is that most man-woman friendships are not as lasting as, say, girlie associations. So much so that today she is not even in touch with the boys, who were her flatmates in Bangalore.

Yet another antidote to such relationships, of course, is marriage. Anurag Bhateja, a relationship counsellor, asserts that indeed marriage of either friend to someone else does sound the death-knell of a man-woman friendship. Dr Harprit Kaur, Assistant Professor, Clinical Psychology, Punjabi University, Patiala, though a strong votary of man-woman friendship, feels that marital relationship, anyway, has to be above friendships not only with the members of the opposite sex but also the same gender.

Nikhil Swahny, a businessman, who has many woman friends, agrees that friendships can get threatened by marriage, but reasons that the same can survive provided all involved know how to handle it with maturity. Rather, he feels, there is no bond better than a man-woman friendship for there is greater empathy and understanding of each other’s emotional needs.

Dittoes Bhateja, "The way a man opens up emotionally with his female friend, he dares not do it with even his best male buddy." Men also seek out women, for women are better listeners," says Sukmani.

But are men ready to listen? The popular refrain, "Men listen for they want to have sex and women have sex for they want someone to listen", may be a trifle exaggerated. But Friedrich Nietzsche’s words, "A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy," certainly carry more than an iota of truth. Even Don O’ Meara, a researcher and a firm believer of the platonic bond, agrees that a simple, platonic hug could instantaneously take on a more amorous meaning. "You’re trying to do a friend-friend thing, but the male-female parts of you get in the way," he writes.

Sexual chemistry can actually knock at the doors of even a platonic relationship uninvited, impromptu, a reason perhaps why in India most men (women, too) prefer to play it safe and maintain a socially correct distance. The old-timers continue to chorus bhai saheb-bhabiji to avoid complications.

But beyond stereotypical branding, platonic relationships between men and women are not only possible but also desirable. According to relationship experts, much of the sexual violence that takes place in society is because of this ivory tower mindset — men on the one side and women on the other. Says Harleen, "Since in India issues of sexuality are not resolved at the right age, these surface time and again and often cloud and complicate innocent asexual relations too."

Harprit, however, feels, "Today, society is opening up and a whole lot of healthy platonic ties have become a norm, especially in the professional middle class."

But for cross-sex friendships to be truly acceptable, across the board, society needs to learn not all roads between men and women lead to romance. Harry can meet Sally on a purely non-romantic front. Yes, in the world of hetro-sexual men and women, too, cupid can keep its arrows intact.