Unfaithfully yours

Nonika Singh checks out if relationships can survive infidelity and whether society has become more tolerant of erring partners

Those who are faithless know the pleasures of love; it is the faithful who know love's tragedies — Oscar Wilde

In a candid confession, Ranbir Kapoor revealed that he cheated on his ex-girlfriend Deepika Padukone, and it was his affair on the side that led to the breakup between the two. Hollywood star Arnold Schwarzenegger, too, admitted that it was his illegitimate child that rocked his marriage of 25 years with Maria Shriver.

Ranbir Kapoor confessed that he cheated on Deepika Padukone, which led to their breakup

Even a public apology couldn’t save Tiger Woods’s marriage when a salacious sex scandal hit his personal life and he had to pay through his nose for what the papers called the silence of his wife, Elin Nordegren.

Many a love knots are untied when infidelity sets in. But is fidelity the pillar on which martial relationships rest?

Khushwant Singh once listed out two essential ingredients for a happy marriage — money and good health. Did he deliberately miss out fidelity? Or marriages can actually survive infidelity...

Indeed, while many especially well-publicised relationships may have met their nemesis in cheating spouses, for every marriage that hits rock bottom, there are many that survive the onslaught of infidelity.

More so among the ordinary mortals. The first time Reeta (name changed) learnt that her husband Pritam Singh’s (name changed) girlfriend, she was devastated and heartbroken. Ten years down the line, both have not only put his torrid affair behind them but are also revelling in their newfound love for each other.

When a sex scandal hit Tiger Woods’s marriage, he had to pay through his nose for the silence of his wife, Elin Nordegren

Not surprising, researchers at the Open University and University of West of England, Bristol, found that for some couples infidelity can actually be beneficial, and if they learn to forgive and forget, the relationship can emerge stronger. Look around and you will encounter several couples, who have found a new equation, living happily ever-after, after the storm has blown over the tempestuous extra-marital liaison.

"Why not?" asks Dr Simmi Waraich, consultant psychiatrist, Fortis Hospital, Mohali, and reasons, "It’s not the end of the world. There is more to a relationship than just physical intimacy."

Dr Vijay Nagaswami, relationship doctor and author of 3s a Crowd: Surviving Infidelity, however, asserts that by nature marriage is a monogamous institution. But having said that, he also feels that being judgmental will not help untangle the complexity. Puritans might cry foul, but he feels that adultery is not a question of moral turpitude. It can be of incompatibility certainly, and must be treated by partners as the first wake-up call of a deeper malaise in the bond.

Of course, reasons for infidelity are many. Some are as old as the mountains. Men as well as women stray, for human nature is polygamous, physical needs are different from emotional, there is boredom in married life, forbidden fruit is always sweet etc, etc. But add to these some new factors that define urban lifestyles, and it seems infidelity, for sure, has found a catalyst in increasing interaction between opposite sexes. Workplaces offer the perfect ground for new chemistries to spark off. More so, since office time is encroaching upon marital time, there is enough room in offices for illicit romances to bloom.

The news of Arnold Schwarzenegger's illegitimate child rocked his marriage of 25 years with Maria Shriver

Virtual world is yet another dating (and mating) ground for relationships so far considered a taboo. Advocate Pankaj Bhardwaj reveals how he often receives such cases where partners accuse the other of emotional infidelity. Online affairs may seem innocuous but are often so vividly explicit that these leave little room for imagination or doubt of its intent. Interestingly, while women are more wary of emotional betrayal, men are more threatened by physical intimacy of their partner with the other. A reason, feels Bhardwaj, few men dare to bring their wife’s infidelity into the public domain. But that is not to say that men are not keeping a watch on their wives or partners.

Dr Waraich, too, punctures the widely held perception that men are more unfaithful, "Whom do they have a relationship with, anyway?" Today, not only are more women daring to experiment, their misdemeanours are being accepted too. So in Hindi film Arth, the heroine Shabana Azmi’s crucial query to her erring husband —would you have accepted me if had an affair — may have met with a negative cry at that time, but society, including husbands, has changed since and become more tolerant of women, who cross the Lakshman rekha. Not surprising, then management and marketing consultant that Rajesh Chadha is all admiration for a woman friend, who is unapologetic of her extra-marital affair and still walks with her head held high.

Aradhika Sharma, agony aunt for a popular website, however, feels that repairing marriage after one partner betrays the trust of another is easier said than done. Says she, "Rest assured, thereafter, the partner, who has breached the trust, is constantly under the scanner and even his (or her) glance or smile in another direction is likely to be misconstrued."

She also rubbishes the notion of unconditional love that defaulting partners often use as a ruse to justify their unfaithfulness, and seek forgiveness. Adds she, "What to talk of love between husband and wife, even a parent-child tie, rated most sublime of all, is conditional to an extent."

Psychological counsellors, however, assert that mature adults, who have learnt to view life not just as black and white, can work through the turbulence.

But how widespread is the tempest of adultery anyway? While in the West, some studies suggest that one in four people will cheat on their partners, in India there is no substantive data as to how many people succumb to the forbidden attraction. Aradhika says that one out of every 10 queries she receives deals with problems of unfaithfulness.

Dr Nagaswami cannot put a number on the marriages that are rocked by infidelity but he does feel that an overwhelming majority are able to deal with it. Society, however, he feels, has no reason to lose sleep over it. Fret not moral custodians, it’s a very private and personal affair. And except for providing grist to rumour mills, he feels, it has no social ramifications at all. Nevertheless, whether pati patni aur woh makes a crowd or not... crowds will always be curious to know.

 

Litmus test Millions of years ago, Sita had to pass the aginpariksha to prove her purity. Today this aginpariksha has materialised as loyalty test for several men and women. If the reality show Emotional Atyachhar (EA), which put lovers to a loyalty test, is to be believed, fidelity sure seems to be a dying virtue. One after another, many a participant has failed the litmus test and fallen into the trap laid by his or her partner and the EA team. Ironically, if technology has facilitated extra-marital affairs, it has also made simple catching the cheaters. Hidden cameras, mobile records, DNA tests have undone several adulterous love tales and even sent a few perpetrators of crimes of passion to jail. While hidden cameras are put to "judicious" use by the EA team, the show is not the only one catching young lovers on the wrong foot. A young girl used a fake Facebook account to trap her fianc`E9 and later dropped him on grounds of moral misconduct. Hyderabad laboratory — One Touch Solutions and Services (OTS) — conducts "infidelity test" on a routine basis. Young, married men send in requests for DNA test to catch the cheating spouse. The same goes for the Indian Biosciences Laboratory in Gurgaon that also receives "four to five" such enquiries every month.

Where love has gone Parvesh Rana, anchor of the hugely popular reality show Emotional Atyachaar, who has met about 45 or so young couples during the show, may not speak on behalf of the entire younger generation. But he does feel that the GenNext, may or may not, be more unfaithful than the previous one, but is certainly more impatient. Loyalty, he feels, is the crux of relationships. "If you have made an emotional investment, you have every right to expect the same emotional intensity from your partner." So how does it feel to be an instrument of breaking hearts? Says he, "We are not a catalyst. All we say is love is blind but you don’t have to be." To the wannabe tribe of lovers, who treat boyfriend-girlfriend business as just another fad, he offers a piece of advice, "Don’t get into casual relationships just to change your Facebook status and to prove to the world that you are desirable. You can be a wonderful person with or without a girlfriend/ boyfriend."