The law of Mom-in-Law
As the television’s obsession with saas-bahu sagas refuses to fade away,
Nonika Singh takes a reality check

Reicha Tanwar (right), Director, Women’s Studies, Research Centre, Kurukshetra University, with her daughter-in-law, Mimansa Singh Tanwar, who is a clinical psychologist

As the promotion on the car radio goes on and on about kaisa hoga Sasural Simar Ka, the woman at wheels, trying to meet the office deadline, navigating her way through the rush hour, fails to understand what is the fuss about in-laws? In the 21st century when women are racing ahead, when women empowerment is not a chimera but a pulsating reality, clearly in-laws should be the least of women’s problems.

Yet, the television’s obsession with saas-bahu sagas refuses to fade away. Saas Bina Sasural, Sasural Genda Phool, Sasural Simar Ka — a host of serials carry their themes right on their shoulder rather their titles. Then there are many more serials where the storyline moves back and forth on the tried and tested saas-bahu tangent. The originator of saas-bahu soaps Ekta Kapoor may have moved on to better and bigger things in life but the tadka of kitchen politics continues to be as spicy and tangy as ever before.

But does art really imitate life? Reicha Tanwar, Director Women’s Studies, Research Centre, Kurukshetra University, thinks so. Though as a mother-in-law, she spends more time discussing career issues and the challenges of a job with her daughter-in-law, she knows fully well that she represents a miniscule section of the society.

There are many TV serials like Sasural Simar Ka (top) and Sasural Genda Phool (below) where the story moves back and forth on the tried and tested saas-bahu tangent Photo courtesy: Colors, Star TV

Quips Tanwar, "Let’s face it. For a vast majority, the reality may not be as exaggerated as depicted on the small screen, yet it is not entirely divorced from it either." The diminishing role of in-laws in a bahu’s world is at best wishful thinking. Says Jayati Bhatia, the disciplinarian mother-in-law of Sasural Simar Ka, "How can you wish away saas or sasural from an average woman’s life? Since marriage is the all-encompassing facet of her being, since husband is the fulcrum of her existence, the saas and other members in the in-laws’ family follow closely behind and do play the deciding factor."

Nivedita Sharma, a real-life hausfrau, has been married for eight years. Otherwise an every inch of a modern woman attired in cool Ed Hardy t-shirts, Nivedita concedes that in-laws and what they want does impact one’s life.

She says, "I would be lying if I say that their opinion, censure or approval doesn’t bother me." In fact, all decisions concerning her and her spouse, especially those involving long-term investments and future plans, are taken with the consent of husband’s parents. But in everyday life, she asserts, she enjoys a fair degree of freedom.

In-laws don’t exactly breathe down one’s neck, though certain limitations might be there. As Sheena Harjani, a mother of two daughters, puts it, "Of course, unlike my friends, who can be at a party for hours at a stretch, I need to return home after a certain hour. But then, on the flip side, there are many pluses too." And though she does confess that she involves her saasu maa in every aspect of her life: right from what is to be cooked to why she had a fight with her husband, she is certainly not consumed or overwhelmed by her presence.

Jasmine Nagra, who runs a kindergarten school at Kharar, puts it in a proper perspective. She says, "One can’t ignore what they want. In the beginning, I was piqued by my mother-in-law’s small suggestions like don’t use a strong perfume at workplace or cook dal in a pressure cooker. But soon I comprehended that whatever she said made perfect sense. Once you realise that they have a valid reason for saying no and have seen more of life, you stop seeing ulterior motives behind their advice."

How can you wish away saas or sasural from an average woman’s life? Since marriage is the all-encompassing facet of her being, since husband is the fulcrum of her existence, the saas and other members in the in-laws’ family follow closely behind and do play the deciding factor. — Jayati Bhatia, TV actor

Rajshree Thakur, the ideal bahu of small screen of popular serials like Saat Phere echoes similar thoughts, "See if mother plays a key part in our homes, the mother-in-law’s role can’t be undermined either. And our serials only play up this importance and there are many lessons to be learnt." Nagra, however, feels that the reel reality is likely to complicate life.

Are all intrigues and machinations only a reel reality then? The opinion is unanimous — conspiratorial silences and scheming actions portrayed on screen could be inspired from real life but not all the time.

As Vinnie Kapoor, yet another woman comfortable in joint family system, opines, "After all the serial-makers get ideas from people’s experiences only." While Balaji’s creative head earlier justified their saas-bahu serials with the plea that truth is stranger than fiction, even die-hard feminists have conceded that the portrayal of saas-bahu relationship as well as the rivalry-driven devrani-jethaani ties are not off the mark.

Rajshree Sarda, a Chandigarh-based psychologist, says, "Irrespective of whether women are educated or progressive, the relationship between co-sisters is rarely harmonious. And we don’t even need to analyse it. That’s the way it is." Having said that, however, she goes on to add that in-laws, especially mothers-in-law, have changed for the better. The relationship has become more democratic and egalitarian and a daughter-in-law’s life is not exactly dictated by what her saas desires.

For, in the last few decades, it’s not only the bahu but mother-in-law, too, has evolved. While professional mother-in-law is obviously busy in her job, the householder sasu ma, at least in the upper crust of society, is preoccupied with her active social circle, endless kitty parties, shopping sprees and other pursuits. But that is not to say that her role has diminished or been relegated to the background. At the end of the day, Sarda feels, "All relationships are defined by who calls the shots. If son and daughter-in-law live with his parents, they just can’t turn a blind eye to their parents’ presence or their wishes. Vice versa, if parents are more dependent they often compromise too." However, their presence is not as stifling as in the yore, especially in urban India. Tanwar, however, scoffs at the so-called change, which according to her is at best superficial, evident only in difference of attire, which has changed for the mother-in-law, too.

She argues, "Were the change for real, would it not have percolated down to other issues. Wouldn’t the obsession for a son be a thing of past if the attitude of the society had changed." Hailing from a state where honour killings find approval, where there are strict norms for girls even in their maternal homes, she asserts that stricter norms are bound to hem women’s lives in their marital homes. So the exaggerated avatar of TV serials might seem unreal, the Machiavellian intrigues a bit over the top, but there is no getting away from the reality (the good or the bad or the ugly) of a sasural in an average Indian girl’s life. So much so, that Jayati jokes, ‘‘Even if the path-breaking serial Udaan that revolved around a middle-class girl realising her dreams by making it to the IPS were to have a second run, it, too, would focus on the acceptance of the lead protagonist in her in-laws family." Kaisa hoga sasural is one query that is unlikely to die a natural death in a woman’s life. Be it on screen or off-screen, the kingdom of saas and sasrual will not only determine who a woman is but often who she will become. As Reicha puts it, "Even in families where bahu does enjoy some privileges, the common refrain is — Oh we ‘allowed’ her to study or let her work." Change within the same traditional continuum that is what India, the land of dichotomy, is all about. As a matriarch of a family from Rohtak says magnanimously, "We don’t want our future daughter-in-law to stay at home. She must join the family business. But at the same time she must adjust and adapt to the ethos of a joint family." That individuality and power of decision-making is a bahu’s natural right — it will take a long time for the realisation to sink in. Till then, three cheers to the intricate and complex saas-bahu web.

Telly trials A still from Ekta Kapoor’s Pavitra Rishta. When Ekta discovered the saas-bahu soaps, it was believed she had hit a goldmine Photo courtesy: Zee TV When Ekta Kapoor discovered the saas-bahu soaps, it was believed she had hit a goldmine. Others were only too eager to tread the path, which the lady with the Midas touch had found. But in 2008, TRPs of these family sagas plummeted. Saas-bahu serials slipped on viewership. Reality shows took over and seemed to capture the audiences’ imagination. It seemed like the end of kitchen politics. But alas, it was only an intermission. The saas and sasural have returned with full paraphernalia in tow. Ajai Sinha, who earlier made serials with a difference, has an answer. "Television is not an elitist consumer durable but a mass product. So, obviously it will try to pander to the tastes of the masses, who can empathise with the characters." Programme heads of various popular channels echo similar sentiments and feel that television is a household phenomenon, which tries to engage the viewers at the family level. The viewership of Hindi entertainment channels in particular is broad-based and is yet to target niche viewers. Nevertheless, they feel that tidings of change, even in family dramas, are perceptible. Whether saas-bahu soaps have recovered lost ground or have been served anew with fresher more progressive angles or not, family, especially a woman’s marital family, is unlikely to be edged out from the small screen any time soon. — NS