As the New Year dawns upon us and we enter another decade, I have drawn up a higgledy-piggledy wish list of what I would like to see, or not see, on TV in the coming year. These then, in no particular order, are my Top Ten Do’s and Don’ts, which might seem like some mad TV critic’s knee-jerk reaction, but they are in reality an attempt to help you see the big picture.
Even though I don’t really enjoy the finer points of cricket, I know there are millions of die-hard cricket lovers out there. So for the greater good there should be definitely more cricket on TV; many more cricket channels outlining every damn detail of the game; more cricket analysis and more special analysis and more really, really special analysis on the news, and in between — just in case you missed it while you were busy breathing, sleeping or watching other sports.
On the top of my list of “nots,” I do not want to see repeats of the repeats of the sitcom, Friends. The hugely successful show has been airing for at least eight years or so and is still being broadcast on Star World and Zee Café on their primetime band. Friends’ groupies can now quote from it chapter and verse, and worse. Enough, I tell you.
There should be a new reality show called Neta Idol. The programme should be based on gruelling, real live tests that include ways to avoid telephone tapping and land scams; how to save tigers; come out unscathed from Parliament; undertake fasts and live and prepare for international-level competitions. There will be no individual judging. The public will sms their votes to 420420 and the neta with the most votes will win. The winner gets to be Prime Minster for five years; author his/her own biography and earn a pot of money that, of course, will be tax free.
Another reality show called Wipeout should be only for members of the wayward media. In it, media persons will participate and face a gamut of tests, entitled Hob-Nobbing with the High and Mighty; live a life inside a charmed circle; learn how to say you are sorry and mean it, and how not to get PR professionals as panellists on news shows. The winner gets a free trip to any exotic destination of his/her choice and, wait for it, signs a mega-book deal to write The Nation Deserves an Answer.
Shows like Bigg Boss and Rakhi ka Insaf should be aired strictly during school hours and shown by schools to their pupils as, apparently, this is one way to keep children glued to their seats.
There should be more telethons aired on television like the Tiger Telethon, which will focus on other endangered topics such as natural resources, sustainable development. This way established news channels can avoid telecasting news and the couch spud will get educated.
Even though imitation is the best form of flattery, shows like Toffee with Charan, a take-off from Koffee With Karan, ought to be banned. Such me-toos should be high-quality comedy satires like Semi Girebaal, which was a spoof on Rendezvous With Simi.
Let there be a rule that when celebrities, for example like Amitabh Bachchan, are being interviewed on chat shows, then advertisements showing them should not be aired. Otherwise it becomes one big Bachchan-monopolistic marketing moment, making viewers feel more exploited than normal.
All channels should have a code of conduct drawn up which, besides ethical guidelines, should include a strict definition of breaking news. Breaking News does not mean telling viewers that throughout the day the temperatures are plummeting down to 8 degrees, and “Exclusives” do not mean having the same person spout the same choreographed sound byte on the same day, even sometimes in the same hour, on seven different news channels.
TRP prabhu, I know you know that TV, contrary to what many believe, is not an empty wasteland but an agent for change. So I hope this small list helps you as you distribute your largesse on deserving programmes and the public, who both remain your humble servants.
Yours faithfully,
Teleprompt
