WEBSIDE HUMOUR
Defence argument

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defence: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

A man was telling his friend, "Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market."

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you," the friend asked.

"I’m not bitter. Now that I’m so improved, she just isn’t good enough for me."

A father was showing his young son the family photo album and came across a picture of himself and his wife on their wedding day.

"Was that the day mommy came to work for us?" the son asked.

Encyclopaedia Britannica sale advertisement seen in a local paper’s "For sale" section.

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of encyclopaedia Britannica. 45 Volumes. Excellent condition. `A31000 or best offer.

Reason for sale: No longer required. Got married last week. Wife knows bloody everything.

A husband asks: "Why do you weep and snuffle over a TV programme and the imaginary sadness of people you have never met"?

Wife: "For the same reason you scream and yell when a man you don’t know scores a goal".

The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager kissing his secretary. He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?"

The manager replied, "No, sir, this I do free of charge."

Compiled by Sunil Sharma