WEBSIDE HUMOUR

AN elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She instructed the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, an emerald necklace, a ruby bracelet, and a Rolex watch."

"But you’re not wearing any of those things!" the artist said.

"I know," she replied. "But if I should die before my husband, I’m sure he’ll remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewellery!"

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.

"What are those knives doing in your car? Asked the officer.

"I use them in my juggling act," says the juggler.

"Oh yeah?" "Let’s see you do it." Says the policeman.

So the man starts tossing and juggling the knives.

A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I stopped drinking. Look at the test they’re making you do now."

A young blonde was told she needed an X-ray. She went in and seemed especially nervous. When she came out of the X-ray room, she told her mother, "They took a picture of my bones."

"Yes, dear," replied the mother. "Did everything go all right?"

"Sure," said the girl. "It was great. I didn’t even have to take my skin off."

A lawyer phoned the governor’s mansion shortly after midnight. "I need to talk to the governor, it’s an emergency!" exclaimed the lawyer.

After some cajoling, the governor’s assistant agreed to wake him up. "So, what is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning?" grumbled the governor.

"Judge Pierson just died, and I want to take his place," begged the attorney.

"Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the mortuary," replied the governor.

— Compiled by Sunil Sharma