It’s raining awards

The anxiety of organisers to keep everyone happy has led to a proliferation
of awards of dubious worth, says Derek Bose

THE Bollywood awards season is upon us. And as expected, Amitabh Bachchan’s Paa and Aamir Khan’s 3 Idiots are sprinting away with most of the honours. Of course, there are some equally (if not more) deserving films like Dev D, Kaminey, Love Aaj Kal and Rocket Singh — Salesman of the Year in the fray. But it appears preordained that Paa and 3 Idiots would be sharing the spoils between them this year.

After all, what is an awards function if it does not throw up big names, guaranteed to capture television eyeballs? What chance does Abhay Deol (Dev D) or even Ranbir Kapoor (Ajab Prem Ki Ghazab Kahani, Wake Up Sid and Rocket Singh) stand before the Bachchan brand? Everybody knows Aamir does not attend awards functions. But there’s another biggie, Salman Khan who has produced a major hit, Wanted in 2009. Bigger than him, is Shah Rukh Khan, who also had one release, Billu. Saif Ali Khan had two — Love Aaj Kal and Kurbaan. Akshay Kumar had many — from Chandni Chowk To China and Tasveer to Kambakht Ishq, Blue and De Dana Dan.

Now, each of them is aware of where he stands in the overall scheme of things. They all know that box-office performance and critical acclaim are of no consequence for any nomination for an award. They also understand that more than the stars needing awards, the organisers need their presence for the function. And this is where things can get a bit tricky.

For instance, what will Shah Rukh expect for compering a show? Cash? Or a special award? Will Karan Johar or Saif join him on stage? How to rope in Akshay? What about the women? Priyanka Chopra (What’s Your Rashee) might agree to do an item number, but she would expect the best actress award in return. So would Katrina Kaif (New York), Kareena Kapoor (3 Idiots) and Deepika Padukone (Love Aaj Kal). How many new categories of awards can you create to oblige them?

The anxiety of organisers of functions to keep everybody happy has already led to a proliferation of awards of dubious worth — Best Entertainer of the Year, Best Jodi (imagine, Amitabh and Abhishek for Paa), Best Face, Jury’s Choice and so on. In Aamir’s absence, Bachchan becomes the best actor by default and by way of consolation, the director (or producer) of 3 Idiots (or some other film) gets awarded. Lest others feel left out, several permutations and combinations are worked out in advance so that the benefits are evenly spread across the board — and merit be damned!

Little wonder, Bollywood awards have become a joke that’s not funny at all. Not a single awards function today is above board. Who gets what award in which category, has ceased to matter. Given this drift, you could soon have an award for the Most Overexposed Actor of the Year and it would be as much valued as the Most Underdressed Actress of the Year. Many such new categories can be instituted. For starters, we give below some deserving claimants to 10 categories we might create for 2009:

Most Overrated Film of the Year: Kurbaan
Karan Johar tried to cash on the chemistry of lovebirds Saif Ali Khan and Kapoor in this whodunit set against the backdrop of global terrorism. Despite the hype and a power-packed performance by the entire cast, director Rensil D’Silva failed to deliver.

Most Overlooked Actor: Paresh Rawal
This incredibly talented veteran of countless comedies, thrillers and family dramas had as many as eight films in 2009 — from Firaaq and Road to Sangam to De Dana Dan and Paa. But where have they all taken him?

Arrested Development Award: Fardeen Khan
This Khan got his chances with Jai Veeru, Acid Factory, Life Partner and All the Best last year. But his acting skills remain where they were when he made his debut in Prem Agan in 1998.

Slap Me Silly Award: Quick Gun Murugan
The silliest slapstick made in a long time. This is Shashank Ghosh’s spoof on Hollywood westerns with attitude, featuring outlandish songs, outrageous melodrama and crazy catch phrases like "Mind it" and "We are like this only". Simbly brilliant.

Best Failed Franchise: Priyadarshan
This hit machine has suddenly hit a rough patch as both Billu and De Dana Dan failed to recreate the magic of Hera Pheri. But there are still many in Mumbai (as indeed in Kerala) who swear by his brand of mindless comedy.

Curse of the Living Corpse: Himesh Reshammiya
This brave man, who cannot emote to save his life, faced the camera once again, but with a new haircut and minus his nasal twang, in Radio. The film fizzled out in a hisss, but he maintains that it was a bumper hit.

Best Reboot Award: Pritam
Having made a living out of lifting tunes without acknowledgment from obscure sources (and often getting caught), he raised the bar in 2009 by brazenly "borrowing" Hemant Kumar’s Naagin interlude in Love Aaj Kal. The "let’s twist" number was a superhit.

Dhakka Start Award: Abhishek Bachchan
It’s been 10 years since he debuted with Refugee. And after 45 films, his career continues to move in fits and starts. Delhi 6 and Paa have not taken him anywhere. He is counting on Mani Ratnam again to give him "the push" – with Raavan.

Break That Arm Again: Naseeruddin Shah
What was he doing as Naga in Red Alert – or, for that matter, as Negi in Bolo Ram? India’s most versatile actor has an incredible appetite for off-beat roles, but now he is getting increasingly miscast – and sidelined.

Most Unnecessary Contribution to the Indian Way of Life: Blue
A disastrous, dim-witted underwater thriller set in the Bahamas. Starring Akshay Kumar, Sanjay Dutt, Lara Dutta and Zayed Khan, the film was scripted by American writers with music by a U.K.-based composer. Even Kylie Minogue’s guest appearance could not save the film from sinking.

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