WEBSIDE HUMOUR
Suspense over

A man takes his seat in the theatre, but he is too far from the screen. He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. "Get me a better seat, and I’ll give you a handsome tip."

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man rewards him with a quarter.

The usher looks at his tip for a second and then leans over to whisper to the man, "The wife did it."

A man was praying to God. He said, "God?" God responded,

"Yes?" And the guy said, "Can I ask a question?" "Go right ahead," God said.

"God, what is a million years to you?"

God said, "A million years to me is only a second."

"Hmmm," the man wondered. Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"

God said, "A million dollars to me is like a penny."

So the man said, "God, can I have a penny?"

And God cheerfully said, "Sure...just a second."

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans. Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked her husband, "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?"

"No, dear, not at all," he replied, "Our house isn’t blue."

A passenger called to make reservations on a small charter plane that departs from Teterboro airport in New Jersey. He knew that he would be flying in a very small plane, so was not surprised when the clerk said, "The plane is very full with baggage and passengers." Then she asked, "How much do you weigh, sir?" Not thinking clearly, he answered, "With or without clothes?" "Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"

— Compiled by Sunil Sharma