This Above all
Agony of astronauts
KHUSHWANT SINGH

Did you know that if there was no gravity you would not have been able to evacuate your bowels as you do while you are earth-bound? This is confirmed by the experience of an astronaut who in outer space was devoid of gravitational pull and had serious problem with acute constipation. The South China Morning Post of May 24, 2008, carries the following news item: "Being an astronaut might seem like a glamorous profession," scientist Jin Xu-Kai told reporters in Guanghua Town in Sichuan, "but there are some embarrassing aspects to life in outer space. Because of zero gravity, astronauts often suffer from constipation, and the traditional method of evacuation has always been to use an air pump.

"However, air pumps are expensive, bulky and difficult to use. They require five days of training to learn how to operate one. They have a high failure rate, and the shock to the body can be almost as bad as the constipation itself. That’s why I have spent the past three years developing a safer and more efficient alternative, the rectal excavator.

"This new invention will ease the suffering of astronauts everywhere. Essentially, it features a cylindrical double-screw reamer, which is inserted into the anal cavity, where it excavates and removes the blockage, rather like a more sophisticated version of Archimedes’ screw. Astronauts would need only five to seven minutes to relieve their constipation with my device, and although I experienced some slight discomfort when I tried it myself, that was nothing compared to the miseries and sufferings of constipation in space.

"The China National Space Administration has already expressed interest in my invention, and my rectal excavator may be carried on future space missions. I am also showing it to hospitals, because it could also be used for medical purposes here on earth".

Khemka’s Nabha Foundation

In 1923 Maharaja Ripudaman Singh of Nabha was forced to abdicate and was exiled to Kodaikanal. His eldest son was installed on the gaddi. The ex-maharaja took on a second wife and sired children through her. So there were two sets of descendants of the royal family. The successor and heir to the family fortunes, like many others of princely tribes, spent his days and nights eating, drinking, fornicating and getting fat. Children of the second branch had to earn their own livelihood.

One of the grand-daughters married into a Marwari industrialist’s family, the Khemkas. The Khemka-Nabha union gave birth to the Nabha Foundation. It is a charitable institution running schools, work centres for women, looking after historic buildings and encouraging organic farming. It is patterned after Ela Bhat’s Sewa based in Ahmedabad.

But while Sewa works for making women economically self-reliant staying in their homes, has opened a bank operated by them and has become self-sufficient, the Nabha Foundation limited its operations to one tehsil and works for children of both sexes, as well as farmers. It still depends on the bounty of the Khemkas. I got this information from Geetanjali Gill, a young attractive divorcee without alimony who has decided to return to her parents home in Nabha to work for the foundation.

Her family traces its descent from the founder of Nabha. She gave me a detailed account of the work she did. I asked her: "What do you do for fun?" She gave me a broad smile and replied: "Nothing. Nabha is not a fun place. During the day I work with women, children and farmers. In the evening I stay at home watching TV or listening to recorded music. For fun I have to go to Patiala or Chandigarh. Who wants to drive out on these roads at night?"

Any regrets?

A stock question that most people ask me at the end of our dialogue is: "Have you any regrets in life?" To be honest I have never drawn a balance sheet of what I did and what I tried but failed to do. I usually fob them off with a quotation from Ghalib: Nakarda gunahon kee bhee hasrat kee miley daad, ya Rab; Agar in karda gunahon kee sazaa hai (For sins I intended to but did not commit, give me credit, dear God, if you must punish me for those I did commit).

The quotation usually prevents my interrogators from probing further. But often I find myself going over my past and asking myself what if I had been better at my studies, made a more successful lawyer, diplomat, civil servant, teacher and writer? I might have done as well for myself as my contemporaries. I did not but I scored over them by outlasting them and, hence, got more years to enjoy what the world has to offer. That is no mean achievement.

However, when it comes to regrets in one’s life, I find myself going over my association with women who attracted me but I lacked the self-confidence to tell them so, lest they snubbed me. Later in life I was able to confess my infatuation with them. By then some of them had become grandmothers. Far from taking it ill, my confession cheered them up and their usual response was: "Silly ass. Why didn’t you tell us then? We might have had some good times together". I found the assurance strangely fulfilling. So, no regrets even on that score.

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