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Your Child’s Emotional
Needs: What they are and How to Meet them
For today’s parents there is no shortage of advice about how to deal with their child’s difficult behaviour. But children’s emotional needs are rarely discussed. Even though parents know that emotions matter, most would struggle to name their child’s key emotional needs. By looking at our child’s behaviour we can be more in tune with these requirements and a good way to start is by looking at his personality. Try to think about each child as an individual, his likes and dislikes and how he behaves in different situations: is he shy and quiet or loud and outgoing? Children, and by extension everybody, have some basic emotional needs. No matter how psychopathic, weird or unprepared parents are, if they manage to fill these needs they have a good chance of raising a well-adjusted child. The first is the need to be loved. Parents must ensure that their child feels loved. It is important to act in a loving way towards him: speaking respectfully, smiling, showing affection, saying positive things to him, and so on. The desire to belong is present in children and adults. For children, it is important that they feel they belong to their family. Your child is dependent on his home’s ‘emotional climate’ for nurture and a sense of belonging. There are times when you need to make it clear to your child that his behaviour is unacceptable or that his action is not approved of. Yet, overall, your child should have the feeling that he is accepted and approved of, otherwise he is likely to feel bad about himself. Children around the world have an inborn need for a relationship with their parents. An attachment relationship is a lasting emotional bond. As long as there is regular contact with parents, children become attached to them. A secure attachment develops when there is a healthy reciprocal relationship between the child and the parent. Social interaction is characterised by fun and playfulness and the child’s need for comfort. The child feels able to explore the world at his own pace, knowing that the parent is a secure base to return to. Securely attached children have internalised in early childhood the key elements of positive relationship building. This gives them lifelong protection from stress and emotional anxiety and a greater chance of coping with, and surviving traumatic life events. Finally, your child needs to know that you have clear expectations of his behaviour, to have a reasonable amount of routine in his daily life, and to be given appropriate boundaries (in terms of privacy and psychological space). While all children share these needs, each differs in the strength of the need, just as some of us need more water, more food or more sleep. One child may need more freedom and independence, another may need more security and social connections. One may have a greater curiosity and a greater need for understanding, while another is content to accept whatever is told to him. When children’s relationship needs are met they feel secure, happy and confident. Equally when their emotional needs fail to be met, children can feel insecure, unhappy and lacking in confidence. An extreme lack of emotional sustenance can have repercussions in all areas of development—social and emotional, cognitive and even in SS In order to support the emotional wellbeing of children it is necessary to think through different and complimentary ways in which we can meet the emotional needs effectively We also need to make sure that we are looking after ourselves and we are meeting our own emotional needs through the input of family, friends and colleagues. It is only when we have this ‘input’ that we can provide the necessary ‘output’. Dr Flory’s book has explored the emotional needs of children from birth to age 12. She has explained what all children need in terms of a secure attachment to a parent and has detailed the specific needs at particular stages in a child’s development. Also discussed are common emotional disorders and difficulties such as depression and anxiety. Though the book is not a substitute for professional assistance, it offers some pointers on how to reorganise and manage the difficulties that are commonly experienced. It is a must read for parents as it is designed to help them understand the inner world of the child. On the whole, a useful and informative book with a simple and profound message.
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CHILDREN are not
miniature adults. Their physical and emotional needs are unique.
Unlike basic physical needs of food, sleep and shelter, a child’s
mental and emotional needs may not be obvious. This makes it all the
more essential for parents to acknowledge that a child’s mental
health is as important as his physical health.