WEBSIDE HUMOUR
All’s not lost

An elderly man went to the doctor for a visit. “Doc,” he says,” I am so stricken. I have chest pain, headache, back pain, nausea, arthritis, constipation, stomach cramps, earache, burning in the eyes, congested lungs...”

“Sir,” says the doctor, “you complain you have so many things. What don’t you have?”

The man answers, “Teeth.”

Word count

A man entered a busy florist’s that displayed a large sign that read “Say It with Flowers.”

“Wrap up one rose” he told the florist.

“Only one?” the florist asked.

“Just one,” the customer replied, “I’m a man of few words.”

Lost chance

That’s this daily charge for ‘fruit’?

The hotel guest asked the manager. “We didn’t eat any.”

“But the fruit was placed in your room every day. It isn’t our fault you didn’t take advantage of it.”

“I see,” said the man as he subtracted $150.00 from the bill.

“What are you doing”, sputtered the manager.

“I’m subtracting $50 a day for your kissing my wife.”

“What? I didn’t kiss your wife.”

“Ah,” replied the man, “but she was there.”

Dishy date

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: “Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal by you?”

He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner.

His mother called the next day to see how things had gone. “I was totally humiliated,” he moaned. “She insisted on washing the dishes.”

“What’s wrong with that?” asked his mother. “I think it’s a wonderful gesture.”

“But we hadn’t started eating yet, mom.”

Holy cow

A man’s car stalled on a country road. When he got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. “Your trouble is probably in the carburettor,” said the cow.

Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. He told the farmer his story.

“Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?” asked the farmer.

“Yes, yes,” the man replied.

“Oh! I would not listen to Bessie,” said the farmer. “She does not know anything about cars.”

Smooth ride

The driving instructor was giving lessons to an extremely nervous lady who panicked whenever another car approached on a particular two-lane road.

One day, however, they got to the same stretch of road; and the lady remained completely calm.

“This time you’re doing fine,” exclaimed the instructor.

“Yes,” the novice driver agreed. “Now when I see another car coming, I shut my eyes.”

Compiled by Sunil Sharma