WEBSIDE HUMOUR
Banking on thieves

Bank robbers had tied and gagged the bank cashier after learning the combination to the safe and had herded the other employees into a separate room under guard. After they rifled the safe and were about to leave, the cashier made desperate pleading noises through the gag. Moved by curiosity, one of the burglars loosed the gag. “Please,” whispered the cashier, “take the books, too. I’m $7,500 short.”  

Wrong number

The phone rings and 80-year-old Victor answers it.

“Hello,” says Victor.

“Can I speak to Jason please,” says the woman caller.

“I’m sorry,” says Victor, “but you’ve got the wrong number.”

“Are you sure?” asks the caller.

“Listen lady,” says Victor, “Have I ever lied to you before?”

Dialogue delivery

While watching a movie recently, a man couldn’t hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of him.  Unable to bear it any longer, he tapped one of them on the shoulder. “Excuse me,” I said, “I can’t hear.”  

“You are not supposed to,” she replied sharply. “This is a private conversation.”  

Full circle

During basic army training, a sergeant was telling his group how a submachine gun sprayed bullets. He drew a circle on a blackboard and announced that it had 260 degrees. “But, sergeant, all circles have 360 degrees,” called out a conscript. “Don’t be stupid,” the sergeant roared. “This is a small circle.”

Good grades

Parents are expected to participate in their children’s education, and my friends were no exception. They gladly help their fifth-grade son, Andrew, whenever he’s stumped. One day after school, Andrew ran into the house waving a paper in the air. “Hey, mom, great news! There were only three mistakes on my maths homework,” he announced. “You made one, Dad made one and I made one.” 

Compiled by Sunil Sharma